Oh, how I miss writing here! How I miss me being here! How I love it here.. And how I love you all! You’d think I’m crazy if you only know how much I cherish this place! A big hello to all of you dear people.. You’re always on my mind & never do I forget you.. I hope you’ve all been alright & life has not been so harsh with you as it has been with me..
Last time I was here was on the 29th of March, 2009.. The very day that was followed by the last day of Giddo’s (grandpa’s) life on this earth.. On the 30th of March, 2009, someone, almost all of you know nothing about left all his loved ones and took his last breath.. His leaving left us with this wound that not time nor place could mend.. I still didn’t cry as much as I want to.. Too many tears are locked up not letting me be.. Until now, I haven’t taken my breath in the normal manner that I’ve always been used to.. Until now, there’s this sad beat in my heart that wakes me up in the middle of the night with this deep sorrow that no wind can change.. The earth now has hugged him back not allowing me nor anyone else to see him or get any of his blessings.. I walk on the very same earth with the thought of him being under there & me doing nothing that could bring him back, not for a moment..
My feelings can never be explained.. Since the last day I’ve been here, I’ve become a sadder person.. This deep hole found its place in my broken heart.. I’ve tried to heal me and get the old me back, but it never worked! Words are all meaningless now.. I knew it was his time.. I knew he HAD to leave.. I knew it from before, but didn’t really prepare myself for it.. He means a lot to me.. He embodies everything a man should be.. I wish I could tell all the men out there how to learn from him, but I just can’t.. What really hurts the most, is the way he looked out for me.. He loved me in this special way and saw me the way no other did!
Before leaving he called out my name, do I deserve that? I’m so hurt, this ache doesn’t go away.. I don’t want to go there and see his place empty.. I don’t want to have kids that don’t grow up having him around, with his firm catch holding them back from ever falling.. I don’t want to smile knowing he’s too far away and won’t smile with me..
His tree is still growing.. I wonder if it feels his absence.. I wanna scream and let the whole world know, this man ain’t coming back.. You lost world! You lost big time! Nothing can make up for this loss!
Dunno if I'm selfish, but I just wish you were here.. I love you giddo.. Enta habeeby.. Remember ya giddo how you used to ask me, “habebty?”? Aywa ya giddo, ana habebtak wy enta habeeby.. Habeeby ya giddo..