Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Their pendulum!

I see people now hanging unto an unstable pendulum & they refuse by all means to get off it.. You tell them: “Get off, it’s just a pendulum, it will fall” & they simply won’t listen & act as if they’re enjoying their ride!

Am I so different? Am I the only one feeling all I’m feeling? Is it just me going through this life’s suffering & feeling its daily misery? Is my patience so stretchy? I thought I was the crazy impatient one?! Thought I was the spoiled brat?!

It’s scary seeing how occupied I am with a lotta things in my heart & mind & how others are so occupied with some other very different things in their subconscious minds!

I know they’re my sisters & brothers, but I just can’t get over the fact that they DO CHOOSE to be the way they are! They pick to be the persons they are.. No one forces them! No one tells them: “Hey, you gotta be as cold hearted as you can.. Just bring out the worst of you..”!

If they could only see the beauties around them.. If they could only pause, think & choose peacefully.. If they could just slow down & get off their pendulum.. If they could only..

Sing us a song
Of a love that once belonged
Tell me your tale
Was your journey far too long?
Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer
To a question I can't ask
I don't know which way the feather falls
Or if i should blow it to the left
All the voices that are spinnin' around me
Trying to tell me what to say
Can I fly right behind you
And you can take me away"

~ Norah Jones lyrics ~

Sunday, October 28, 2007

If ......, chances are?

(picture's source)

If I care all the way & travel far, so far away, chances are?

If I avoid being told & act so cold, chances are?

If I try hard faking it; only to break it, chances are?

If I zip the lip, then want to give a tip, chances are?

If I cry, cry, cry & cry, chances are?

If I smile, grin & laugh out loud, chances are?

If I whine outwardly, then beam internally, chances are?

If my sighs grow & my fears show, chances are?

If I decide to sink & stop to think, chances are?

If I drop the stop; to stop the drop, chances are?

If my every fact is always abstract, chances are?

If I change my name from real to surreal, chances are?

If I straighten my waves & have a different face, chances are?

If I’m bitter & sore & don’t want it no more, chances are?

If I loosen up on my way going up, chances are?

If they tell me no, then ask me to glow, chances are?

If I get ticked off & can’t storm off, chances are?

If I live in denial & fail the trial, chances are?

If they put my heart in a strolling cart, chances are?

If my sweaty palms never ever calm, chances are?

If I never forget my deepest regret, chances are?

If I say no & prefer it raw, chances are?

If I'd rather stay than go the long way, chances are?

If I get hurt while cleaning of the dirt, chances are?

If I flirt & flirt; trying to blurt, chances are?

If all my words are full of blahs, chances are?

If I try my hands in the wrong lands, chances are?

If the sands of time turn into sour lime, chances are?

If they pick me up; only to shut me up, chances are?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

** SaNeLy CrAzY **

Remember when you were young & the soap, somehow, always found its way to your eyes? How long has it been, years? Well, for me it’s definitely been years since that last happened.. But just yesterday & after so many long years, the soup found its way back to my eyes! And all those memories flashed back.. It’s interesting how those ‘nice’ flash backs make you feel.. It’s just this indescribable deeply engraved delight coming back to life.. Just like that pineapple cake that mama makes.. Nothing could smell more warm & cozy..

It was wonderful walking in between those li’l kids who were on their way to school today.. Man, it’s great to have school in the morning! I’m extremely against all those afternoon schools :( .. I’ve always loved mornings.. I’m a very morning person.. I love the sun.. I hate it when the sun leaves.. Hate the night time.. Hate going out at night.. I had my afternoon coffee in the kitchen yesterday during sunset.. I could see the sky through that kitchen’s balcony’s glass door.. The lights in the kitchen were off & those yellowish orange sun rays were so stimulating.. They were fading a second after the other.. And eventually I knew I had to put those fake lights on.. Don’t you just hate the white neon lights? I really do.. I feel so uncomfortable seeing everything through those white lights.. I love yellow lights (not sure if they’re called yellow, but you know, those yellowish, sun-like lights).. That’s one of the things I love about Egypt.. All it’s street lights are lit that way, in ‘yellow’.. However, I was told once, that the colors are seen best through the white neon light.. Anyways, so while sitting in the kitchen, I loved how it was dark where I was & how the sun rays penetrated & broke through the darkness.. Try it.. Try sitting where it’s dark & open a window around sunset.. The sun won’t be too powerful to fully brighten the room & at the same time it won’t be so weak that would bring in the need of fake lights.. It’s a quiet charming experience..

Talking of experience.. Life is all about experiences.. Happy ones.. Successful ones.. Breaking ones.. Inspiring ones.. Humiliating ones.. Honoring ones.. Humbling ones.. And so many others.. And of the most uncommon experiences, come the crazy ones.. I go through those every now & then.. It’s fascinating.. I’m keen on unusual things.. And one of those unordinary things happened to me recently.. Well, here’s how it went.. A week ago, this dude passed by & asked: “Excuse me, do you have any clue where bla bla department is? The receptionist isn't there..” I went like: “Yup, it’s not on this floor, you go to bla bla floor & you’ll find it..”.. Dude: “Thanks!”.. Days passed & this dude came again standing in front of me with a huuuuuuuuuuge smile (you know this smile that you put on trying to say “you know me.. remember me?”).. I looked at him waiting for him to say something.. Dude: “Well, I have bla bla papers & can’t seem to figure out where to go”.. Me (so freaking serious): “Well, you can go to bla bla bla..”.. Dude: “And there’s this other thing” & he paused, I felt like, GOD!! And I waited.. He cleared his throat & said: “Well, I’d like to propose to you!”.. I DIDN’T BELIEVE HE SAID THAT! At that very moment, all I thought of, was how to get him outa my sight & how I could disappear from the face of earth! I blushed (& stayed blushed for like 4 hours I swear!) & found my arms flying up & down (I remember my left hand hitting the desk real bad), my eyes staring at the floor, the chair moving in circles & then I went like “ummmm, well, ummmmm, ummmmm, this is crazy!” & I didn’t even look his direction any more.. I COULDN’T BELIEVE I SAID IT OUT LOUD!! “THIS IS CRAZY?” HOW WORSE CAN I LOOK? WHAT AN EDIOT I WAS! He insisted: “I know, but I really do want to know of any possible way..” God oh God! How crazier can one get? This was one of the craziest sane experiences I’ve ever encountered..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~To all gracious guys out there:
May Allah protect & guide you..
Amen :)

"Like a gift from the heavens,

it was easy to tell,

It was love from above,

that could save me from hell,

She had fire in her soul it was easy to see,

how the devil himself could be pulled out of me,

Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place

You could tell how we felt from the look on our faces.."

~ Into the night lyrics~

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

~ The Real Princess story ~

There's this story that I've loved deeply as a li'l girl & have never forgotten.. Just yesterday, while reading some stories online, I stumbled upon it & couldn't believe my eyes.. It must have been over ten years since I last read it.. I could still remember the day I read it for the first time.. I remember exactly on which sides of the page it started & ended.. I can still hear our loud young voices.. I recall the teacher's smell.. I even remember that book's scent.. I remember reading it at home as well.. Seriously, how do these small things affect a whole person & cause complicated impact on their being? There are these tiny details that truly made me the sara I am.. It's heartbreaking seeing parents overlooking those details & underestimating their effects :(


There was once a Prince who wished to marry a Princess; but then she must be a real Princess. He travelled all over the world in hopes of finding such a lady; but there was always something wrong. Princesses he found in plenty; but whether they were real Princesses it was impossible for him to decide, for now one thing, now another, seemed to him not quite right about the ladies. At last he returned to his palace quite cast down, because he wished so much to have a real Princess for his wife. One evening a fearful tempest arose, it thundered and lightened, and the rain poured down from the sky in torrents: besides, it was as dark as pitch. All at once there was heard a violent knocking at the door, and the old King, the Prince's father, went out himself to open it. It was a Princess who was standing outside the door. What with the rain and the wind, she was in a sad condition; the water trickled down from her hair, and her clothes clung to her body. She said she was a real Princess. "Ah! we shall soon see that!" thought the old Queen-mother; however, she said not a word of what she was going to do; but went quietly into the bedroom,took all the bed-clothes off the bed, and put three little peas on the bedstead. She then laid twenty mattresses one upon another over the three peas, and put twenty feather beds over the mattresses. Upon this bed the Princess was to pass the night. The next morning she was asked how she had slept. "Oh, very badly indeed!" she replied. "I have scarcely closed my eyes the whole night through. I do not know what was in my bed, but I had something hard under me, and am all over black and blue. It has hurt me so much!" Now it was plain that the lady must be a real Princess, since she had been able to feel the three little peas through the twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds. None but a real Princess could have had such a delicate sense of feeling. The Prince accordingly made her his wife; being now convinced that he had found a real Princess. The three peas were however put into the cabinet of curiosities, where they are still to be seen, provided they are not lost. Wasn't this a lady of real delicacy?

Andersen's Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Andersen


PS. Do those three peas symbolize anything at all?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

*tisk* *tisk* *tisk*

A few days back, I was driving pudding & his two friends to their school; as they were having an iftar party.. When the traffic light went red, I stopped (duhhhh!).. And then I heard giggling & betting
going on between them li’l guys.. So I looked at the rear mirror & saw them cutely arguing..

Skate boarding expert boy
(showing off!): “I swear this is acne, it’s not merely pimples!”
Pudding (jealously!): “No, they’re not! That’s just a rash or something.. I’m sure it’s not acne.. Acne doesn’t look like that..”
Beautiful eyed kid: “I think it is acne..”
Pudding (so proudly): “You guys, look at my facial hair, it’s growing.. Even my arm hair is..”
BEK: “Man, that’s old news, I’ve got all that already..”
SBEB then started checking out his arms..
I couldn’t stop smiling.. And in my head, I was laughing out loud :) Honestly, I didn’t know what to think! Come on boys, you don’t want that.. Trust me.. Ask the big guys & they’ll tell you.. It’s not as it seems.. It’s not so fun.. Nope, not so fun! I'm sure they'd tell you how much they long to go back to their old li'l beds & get tucked in by their parents.. Well well well..
I always had this place on one of the walls in each & every one of pudding’s roomS where I’d measure his height every now & then.. He’s dying to get taller.. But of course as we move almost every two years (thanks to mom :( ); that wall changes.. But I still do it for him wherever we go.. Oh God, he feels soooo good when it shows that he’s grown taller.. Man, you should see the joy in his eyes :D
May you grow taller puddingy & make this world a brighter one.. And take care of your eldest sister & love her & never forget her ;) .. Amen. & carry her if need be ;) Yeah, don't look at me pudding, how many times have I carried you? I deserve this :P That's the least you could do :P
"What if I’m dumb in school?
What if they’ve closed the swimming pool?
What if I get beat up?
What is there’s poison in my cup?
What if I start to cry?
What if I get sick and die?
What if I flunk that test?
What if green hair grows on my chest?
What if nobody likes me?
What if a bolt of lightening strikes me?
What if I don’t grow taller?
What if my head starts getting smaller?
What if the fish won’t bite?
What if the wind tears my kite?
What if they start a war?
What if my parents get divorced?
What if the bus is late?
What if my teeth don’t grow straight?
What if I tear my pants?
What if I never learn to dance?"

~ By Shel Silverstein ~

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

~ au fait ~

I’m a bit confused.. Confused with this positive feeling that I have towards death & whether it signifies that I have a cold heart or not (they say a cold heart lets it’s holder believe that they’re saints & are so ready.. That’s not how I feel though!).. The grave & going to a different world is undeniably scary, but I’ve always had this inner comfort & relief with me meeting my Lord.. Today, for the first time, I found out that prophet Yusuf ‘alaihy asalam was he first to wish for death.. I WISH FOR DEATH! I’m not saying, I’m purely out of sins & surely have nothing to regret.. No, of course not! All I’m saying is that I really do want to leave this world soon & get closer to The Light of the heavens & the earth..

The thought of writing my will has always been on my mind.. Always wanted to write it & keep it under my pillow.. Wanted to say a lotta things in it.. But I never did.. Why? Well, ‘cuz I’ve always felt that no matter what I write, it won’t be enough.. Or won’t contain everything I have in heart & mind.. (Sadly this has always been the case with everything else I intend to do.. I always know deep down that it won’t turn out as I wanted it to ......)

Well, this world ain’t fair.. People in it are never just enough.. But as I always say God is always Fair.. Why wouldn’t I wish for death? To do more good deeds is one reason.. But what if I wanna repent & die amongst the true submitters? Is it a bad wish? It’s my wish anyhow..

In my sister’s university, there are different bus timings for dropping students off.. There are bus timings for locals & other timings for expatriates! Expats wait until the locals get dropped off first & then the bus goes back to the university to pick them (expats) up.. How can muslims reach this extreme? Extreme of hatred? How worse could our muslim ummah get? I try to make my presence a good one on the face of this earth.. But at a specific moment, you reach a point where you clearly know you don’t belong.. Please don’t get me wrong.. I’m not running away from the evils of this life by saying I wanna die.. WAllahi it’s not like that.. In my happiest, moments I still prefer death..

I love things here.. A lotta of things.. One of the things I love is our red jeep & I’m extremely sad for it having to leave us :( I love hearing my grandpa call my grandma with that sweet nickname.. Wish all husbands could be this tender with their wives.. A lotta of things are enchanting in this dunya.. *sigh* I loved it when I heard that pudding wrote an essay about me in school! He was asked: “describe the worst day that you’ve ever spent”.. He described the day I was operated on; to get my infected appendix cut off..

To conclude, two important questions will be left unanswered:
1. Who will inherit my teddy bear?
2. Did/will I ever win laylatul qadr?

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Dashing Prince/Princess?

UmmAtiyya said:
"So wait...so you mean I can't have the brother who's hafiz with ijaazah in 10 qiraat and fluent in Arabic who has a great beard and ALL his teeth and sparkly eyes and a REAL job that's transferring him to Saudi and is 6ft. tall and only wants one wifey and loves to cook and has never been to prison and has never been married and has a trust fund and a REAL car and wears sunnah clothes and is a sheikh with a dual PhD in Tafsir and Aqeedah with Masters in both child development and Women's Literature and has clean fingernails and makes herbal remedies from his organic garden in his spare time in between running marathons to benefit the soup kitchen he founded the summer he wrote the book on ahklaq when he was 12? You mean I can't have him? I have to settle...for a regular brother? Ok. You know any?"
Relief said
"Umm Attiya I like your response but wouldn't a man like that expect a women like this Hafizah of Qur'an, teacher, housewife, beyond beautiful, hair to her knees, from a wealthy family, virgin, under 21, doesn't complain, doesn't expect too much, superwomen, cook, clean, fluent in several languages including Arabic of course, not attached to the dunya, a muhmin (more than just a plain ordinary muslim), PHd in education but just wants to homeschool any children she has, never looks unkempt, trained beautician, able to give noteworthy massages, never argumentative, encourage husband towards righteous deeds, etc."