Wednesday, October 03, 2007

~ au fait ~

I’m a bit confused.. Confused with this positive feeling that I have towards death & whether it signifies that I have a cold heart or not (they say a cold heart lets it’s holder believe that they’re saints & are so ready.. That’s not how I feel though!).. The grave & going to a different world is undeniably scary, but I’ve always had this inner comfort & relief with me meeting my Lord.. Today, for the first time, I found out that prophet Yusuf ‘alaihy asalam was he first to wish for death.. I WISH FOR DEATH! I’m not saying, I’m purely out of sins & surely have nothing to regret.. No, of course not! All I’m saying is that I really do want to leave this world soon & get closer to The Light of the heavens & the earth..

The thought of writing my will has always been on my mind.. Always wanted to write it & keep it under my pillow.. Wanted to say a lotta things in it.. But I never did.. Why? Well, ‘cuz I’ve always felt that no matter what I write, it won’t be enough.. Or won’t contain everything I have in heart & mind.. (Sadly this has always been the case with everything else I intend to do.. I always know deep down that it won’t turn out as I wanted it to ......)

Well, this world ain’t fair.. People in it are never just enough.. But as I always say God is always Fair.. Why wouldn’t I wish for death? To do more good deeds is one reason.. But what if I wanna repent & die amongst the true submitters? Is it a bad wish? It’s my wish anyhow..

In my sister’s university, there are different bus timings for dropping students off.. There are bus timings for locals & other timings for expatriates! Expats wait until the locals get dropped off first & then the bus goes back to the university to pick them (expats) up.. How can muslims reach this extreme? Extreme of hatred? How worse could our muslim ummah get? I try to make my presence a good one on the face of this earth.. But at a specific moment, you reach a point where you clearly know you don’t belong.. Please don’t get me wrong.. I’m not running away from the evils of this life by saying I wanna die.. WAllahi it’s not like that.. In my happiest, moments I still prefer death..

I love things here.. A lotta of things.. One of the things I love is our red jeep & I’m extremely sad for it having to leave us :( I love hearing my grandpa call my grandma with that sweet nickname.. Wish all husbands could be this tender with their wives.. A lotta of things are enchanting in this dunya.. *sigh* I loved it when I heard that pudding wrote an essay about me in school! He was asked: “describe the worst day that you’ve ever spent”.. He described the day I was operated on; to get my infected appendix cut off..

To conclude, two important questions will be left unanswered:
1. Who will inherit my teddy bear?
2. Did/will I ever win laylatul qadr?


Small Blue Thing said...

I don't think it's necessarily bad to feel positive towards Death. But Life is a gift from Allah too. Look around you, to all the wonderful things God is doing to this world through you.

Yes, this world is not perfect, but remember _the dessert exists to us planting flower seeds in it ;)

sara said...

awwwwww dearest :)

May all the flowers bloom :)

But the desert will still be a desert at the end of the day.. And the fact that its hardly livable will still remain.. But seeds with destined lives have to grow.. I know I know.. (However, let's not forget, they’ll all die eventually..)

Flowers of the world, BLOOOOOOOOOM :)


nuh ibn zbigniew gondek said...

As salaam alaikum.

I heard a khutbah given by a righteous sheikh who said that faithful believers should be at peace with death when it comes. Our bags are packed, our good deeds have been done and alhamdulillah the trial is over... time now to just await Allah's (swt) judgement!

Ma'as salaama,

nuh ibn

ps. I'll take you teddy!

sara said...


WAllahi you have no idea how happy I am to hear those words! The other day, someone told me that the person who feels the way I feel & is so overwhelmed by this idea, has a blocked heart (by sins) that they dont feel their insignificince anymore.. WAllahi I do know how small I am.. But its just the way I feel in my hearty heart..

Thanks for letting me know what this shiekh said.. I'll go tell the world about it!

With respect,

PS. You can give it to your kids & tell them there was a sara who once cried, laughed & almost shared everything with this teddy without even having to say a word.. All she did was hug it & spend almost all the time with it.. She's never slept without it.. So you have to pray for her whenever you remember her :)

poetic muslim said...

sara honey long time no speak , every time I am at home I can not upload your blog , my computer starts to become slow , so now I am at my mums
honey it is a good thing that you think about death , and yes it is comforting to know that your not always going to be in this life that at times gets really exhausting !
but death is one we should hope for and fear , ask allah for a good death and do not forget your duas !

sara said...

Oh sweetie.. I truly miss you.. We really need to taaaaaaaaaaaaalk!


Prayers are all that put me through it all.. Allah is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too Kind :) Almost every prayer has been accepted.. ALHAMDULILLAH :D

Hope things would get better for you & pray that Allah's peace fills your life habebty :) Amen.

Love you jidan waAllahi :)

Please keep me in your prayers in these blessed nights..

Amr said...

i do get some similar thoughts some times by the way, i think it is natural.

How ever, as one of the comments said, Muslim should always be okay with death, but he/she must not wish it, RasuolAllah (saaw) said that "No muslin should ask Allah for death, if he must say, he can say "Allahum ameny iza kan el mawt khyran lee, wa ahyeny iza kant al hayaah khyran lee, "Oh Lord, grant me lif as long as it is good for me, and grant me death as long as it is good for me".

for your sister university, i think she should do some actoin regarding this discrimination, this is not fair at all, and muslim should sake fairness even if it is not an adavntages for him/her, she have to do some thing, even if it is just an objection.

sara said...

WAllahi I think she should do something as well!

The other day, I was going out & saw this side road blocked with cars.. Some cars caused the blocking (out of stubbornness).. Anyways.. A while later, I see this local young dude getting off his car & going to one of the cars (who had an old man driving it) & started yelling at the old man.. The old man was an expatriate.. The local dude yelled even harder & said: "I could send you back home.. I could kick you out of this country.. " & so forth.. WAllahi my heart wept :(

I wanted to go & do something.. But they were all men.. I just wanted to say "ittaqi Allah".. FEAR ALLAH MAN!

Sis should do something!