Getting real..

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Our days aren’t always as sweet as we hope for them to be.. We all seek beauty, warmth & coziness & make every effort to live them.. But things don’t always turn out to be the way that we want them to.. Umm AbdurRahman wrote something on that, that is so overwhelming.. Here goes: “She had pretty pink toes”..

c o l d f e e t

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She grabbed the pencil & sharpened it thinking it might help her see through the maze that she was thrown in.. She held the pencil carelessly & couldn’t hold it as tight as she used to.. She started scribbling her pain away.. She didn’t believe that those words were said.. She was drowning in disbelief & denial! After writing a couple of words about how she felt, she went like: “can this be a joke? can it?”.. She was so sore.. She was shocked, stunned & the rest of it.. She didn’t even care to cry; ‘cuz she knew that if she did, she won’t be able to ever stop! Hurt & broken were only hints of how she felt.. Her heart was cold.. Her lungs were gasping for air & she didn’t have any power whatsoever left to help them.. The gasping was so loud, that wherever she went, they’d all turn around & stare at her.. She almost didn’t blink; in an attempt not to miss seeing any clear clue as to why this was happening.. How can a few words be this powerful? How can they affect her entire being? How can a stranger have this ability to strike her this strongly? She carried on wondering.. Her fingers started getting numb.. Her wound was so deep; that she knew that no cure would be able to bring her any where near comfort.. She was taught that every illness has its cure.. “Where is my cure?” she screamed.. Her disturbance started getting to her striving soul.. She was scared.. Trembling with fear.. And nobody was able to lend her their hands.. Eventually, she shut her eyes & decided not to see no more, at least through those horrifying moments..

*ALL i HAVE*

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A dear friend of mine has just told someone else that I’m remarkably generous.. I felt good :) Hope its as true as it was said.. My opinion on this, is that being generous isn’t really about HOW MUCH you spend, its about the way you spend it.. It’s not in the quantity.. I feel/see it in the approach.. Like how a person always gives & really truly fully genuinely wants to give, with all means.. To me, this is the best type of generosity I’ve ever experienced.. THIS IS GENEROSITY.. Sadly, I hardly see this type of kindness anywhere.. Its running out.. Or has it always been this way? Like years & years ago, were the kindly giving people all around or hardly existing like nowadays? Its painful for me seeing people so cautious & fearful the way they are.. IT DOES GET TO ME! I can’t tolerate being around those people.. Am I being bad now? I never wait after giving, never wait to be given.. What I hate most is that, even my giving sometimes ISN'T understood! The worst part of this ordeal is that, these matters can NEVER be explained! No matter how much you explain, you can’t teach people or let them experience "giving"! Giving for me is always a pleasure.. I truly enjoy it.. Hope everybody else does :)

"It's all I have to bring today

This, and my heart beside

This, and my heart, and all the fields

And all the meadows wide

Be sure you count - should I forget

Some one the sum could tell

This, and my heart, and all the Bees

Which in the Clover dwell"

By Emily Dickinson

~ chastity ~

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Here’s one thing I wish I could shout out to the world, “world, say cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!”.. There, I said it! People: when your eyes meet with one another, just remember to SAY CHEESE.. It won’t harm you in any way whatsoever.. Trust me, it won’t!

I don’t get it.. When guys see me, they smile.. But when “the ladies” see me, what, they get lazy to do it?! Come on now, what’s that all about? Passing a smile won’t charge you much, will it? Or does it have to be from the other gender for you to smile?!?!?!?!

I also did this li’l experiment to test people’s “thank you”.. And it turns out to be the exact same! Like when a GUY asks me something & I answer, they directly thank me.. But when a lady asks something & I as well answer (even sweeter than the way I answered the guy) she nods & leaves!

Ladieeeeeeeeeeeees? What’s the matter? Is it me? Am I missing something here?

The last time I gave the world a loud cheese was when…… Okay, this was fu nnyyyyyyyyy :D Let me start by asking you this, do you know HOW the freshest products you find at the supermarket get to the very back of the shelves? We all know WHY, but we usually don’t know HOW.. Why? Definitely to let people take the stuff displayed in front of them & finish them off first & keep the recently produced stuff at the back to stay longer (but of course as an arab/egyptian, I do what I saw my parents do.. Which is reach all the way to the baaaaaaaaack of the shelf & grab the furthest item my hand could reach, of course while having that “I’m so smart, I’m smarter than everyone else” look..) ..Well, I constantly thought to myself, how can they always succeed in putting all those fresh goods at the very back? Do they take all the stuff (like milk for instance) off the shelves, put the freshest at the back, then return the least fresh stuff at the front? Well, I found out the answer, but through a terrifying incident :D But of course ended up with one of those big fat cheeses of mine ;) Well, I was at this store heading to the fridge.. I opened it & I was (acting smart, like I learned from my folks) stretching my arm to reach for the last bottle of laban (this salty milk) on the row & all of a sudden.. All of a sudden I see this human being moving right behind the shelves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I freaked out & said “Bismilllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” so loud & jumped back.. Everyone at the store laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughed their lungs out & thought that I just freaked out like that.. So my friend came close & said “what’s wrong?”.. With one hand on my heart & the other pointing to the fridge, she got the shock too.. hahaha.. Then I learned, that those fridges & shelves have a rolling back; as to help the workers loading them, to load them from the back with the freshest stuff.. LOL :)

I love it when I discover li’l big things that people don’t even take the time to notice or wonder about (is it that I’m trying to feel special? am I that desperate? LOL).. And one of those things, is studying that man watering the plants in offices & observing his attitude.. Well, I’ve noticed & studied him for quiet some time now.. I’m sad to mention that he HATES what he’s doing! He hates those plants.. The worst part is, if he never shows up, no one would even notice the plants dying of thirst! I’m so sure of that! So I don’t understand who’s faking things here, companies buying the plants? Or hiring a man to water them? Or the man doing what he hates?All I’m sure of, is that those plants can't be the cause of this fake scene.. No one even looks at those abandoned plants! I’m sure they’d love to be out there, enjoying their “natural” environment.. I wish I could do anything about this.. Wish I could set a meeting to discuss the bitter insensitivity flowing around through fake streams of coldness that’s almost freezing out everything beautiful & real..

One more li’l big thing I notice & extremely despise.. You know how married couples are like at the beginning of their marriage? See that picture at the top, it’s almost how each & every couple starts.. Flowers, gifts & all the so vanilla sweet tones of life.. Shortly comes the “So what? who cares?” attitude.. Now I wanna talk about one small act that proves that.. I noticed that in hospitals (where “serious” stuff occur), parks (where fun is found), beaches or anywhere else, husbands lead the way while walking, carrying almost nothing (none of their belongings like their children’s bags or whatever) & wives at the back with a kid in one hand, a bunch of bags in the other & so forth.. This scene is very common here in the arab world.. It really breaks my heart seeing men thinking that this is “manhood”.. It’s so not.. Let me add one more tiny detail (for muhajabas) if I may.. Well, as now the weather is changing & it’s getting windy, I hate walking in this weather ‘cuz of one reason: clothes I wear find their way to STICK to me.. It’s so uncomfortable walking while your clothes are sticking to you; bringing out your detailed form.. At least for muhajabas.. It just feels bad & embarrassing.. Yet “husbands” on the other hand don’t notice this at all! They carry on leading the way & walking ahead of their wives! (they could simply walk close by behind their wives; as to cover them from the back or whatever).. I wish these tiny things could be explained to all men.. The thing is, it’s hard.. There are things that just can’t be explained.. You have to feel them yourself.. You can’t MAKE people feel them..

I’d like to wrap this up with some breaking news ;) .. Pudding bought this amazingly sweet smelling perfume called chastity.. The name goes with the scent somehow! Just phenomenal! It just smells like dunhill desire.. Don’t ask me how!

“Tell the believing men that they shall subdue their eyes (and not stare at the women), and to maintain their chastity. This is purer for them. GOD is fully Cognizant of everything they do. And tell the believing women to subdue their eyes, and maintain their chastity. They shall not reveal any parts of their bodies, except that which is necessary. They shall cover their chests, and shall not relax this code in the presence of other than their husbands, their fathers, the fathers of their husbands, their sons, the sons of their husbands, their brothers, the sons of their brothers, the sons of their sisters, other women, the male servants or employees whose sexual drive has been nullified, or the children who have not reached puberty. They shall not strike their feet when they walk in order to shake and reveal certain details of their bodies. All of you shall repent to GOD, O you believers, that you may succeed.”

~ Qur’an [24:30-31] ~

~ my living grace ~

Teta.. Granny.. Nonoo.. Daddy’s mom.. I don’t think anyone else in this whole wide world has a teta like mine.. I’m going to talk here about one very special remarkable person.. She’s your 80+ old very familiar chubby huggable grandma, who’s an expert in making yummy heavy greasy meals.. The one who always tells you stories about the past.. The one who’s constantly trying to hook everybody up to get them married (& she succeeds ;) ).. The one whom you turn to; trying to know more about who you really are & where you’re coming from.. She tells you about how she raised your dad/mom.. How the days back then were happy & blessed.. But that’s not all.. My teta is so much more than that.. I’m sure no matter what I write, the picture would still remain incomplete.. She was brought up with biracial parents.. Not only were they biracial, more secrets (only hers) to that too.. And this bit of information gives a hint of where she’s coming from.. It’s a big part of who she is.. She’s not typically anything.. She’s just her.. With her mood swinging, creativity, artistic inclinations & expandable knowledge.. And over all, strong deep faith.. A faith that never really seems to pause or gets “put on hold”.. Of course no one can tell how genuine one’s faith is.. No one is required to.. It’s not for us to judge.. By faith I meant (the practiced one I see) the daily practicing as in relying-on & worshiping God.. Prayers are her clock.. Obligatory & nonobligatory.. I love how she prays for all her loved ones (alive & dead) EACH & EVERY night.. Not a day passes by without her reading of God's words.. Lately, I’ve been relating to her a lot.. I don’t really know how, but somehow, I have some of her traits.. And I totally understand her & all her unexpected actions.. She writes quiet often.. Wish she could be able to join the blogging world ;) She writes poems almost on everything & everyone.. I have my own (poem written by her about me) & so does the rest of my family.. She allowed me to share here one of her latest (& one of my favorite) poems.. She wrote it to giddo (may he be in a better & a higher place than the one we’re in now) who passed away years & years ago.. Here goes:

Wow, thinking of her past.. Man, how many people have learned from her (she was a teacher)! WOooHooOW! She’s a very striving woman (in all fields).. Until this very day, with her age & broken ankle! Four years ago, she sewed beautiful dresses, from scratch for me! She still sews things (I really wanna learn how to sew).. I love her love for ice cream :) Whenever we'd go to egypt in the summer, after every meal, she’d take us in the balcony & treat us with ice cream.. I’m not really fond of ice cream (even as a kid, so sue me! I used to have it trying to sense the joy that all other kids experienced when having it, but failed :D ).. She’s so into dairy products.. SO into them! And I think that’s the reason why she never lost any of her teeth :) MashaAllah! I wish I could take from her NEVER giving-in to "today's medicine"! She goes only for natural treatments.. What more can I say? Well, one of my greatest joys of life, is sitting in her house, on her bed & going over real old pictures with her.. That's a real blast for me :) *sigh* I really wish that her wish for me would come true.. She wishes to see my future husband before she dies.. I wish the same (if I live.. lol).. And I wish it; ‘cuz I clearly know that if he doesn’t see her, He won’t see a big part of me!

May The Subtly Kind & Most Loving grant me a warm life with her presence that makes more sense of my today & everyday.. Amen.

~ free as a bird ~

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Am I that desperate to fly? Is it that I’m feeling so heavy that I figured out I can’t? Am I trapped? Well, I can't tell really.. Here’s why I’m wondering.. For MONTHS, I’ve been looking for a fairy’s custom to buy for my li’l amoona.. To be exact, I’ve been looking for a tutu, wings & a pair of ballerina shoes.. At last, my search came to an end last week.. And I found exactly what I wanted.. Thank God :) It was an amazing experience for me (more than her).. I almost flew with her.. Just wonderful.. And then came yesterday.. I spent all afternoon at the beach taking pictures, not of the sea, the shells, the sun, the sand, the sky, or the trees.. But of a flying human soul! My sister’s friend would run run run & then jump high trying to take a tick’s shape.. & right there & then I’d capture the moment.. We did this all the way until sunset.. It was fascinating.. It wiped my headache off.. Oh, my headache.. I’ve never really experienced the severe headaches that people suffer from (especially daddy.. poor him, he REALLY suffers..).. However, since a couple of days, I’ve been having this horrible awful headache that’s been giving me a very hard time.. I can’t describe it really.. You know how you cross your eyebrows? Or like raise them? Anyways, if you do any of this for a while, you get this horrible feeling of a heavy load being placed on your forehead.. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling! As if my eyebrows have been crossed/raised for a year! It started when I went in that cab.. Ok cabs.. I have this thing for cabs.. I HATE getting in a cab.. H A T E .. It’s one of the hardest things for me to do.. My headache can’t be ‘cuz of the cab I HAD to get in, can it? I swear I was very close to fainting.. On another level, I’m extremely against women riding in cabs.. I’ve argued enough about this & I’ve had enough.. It just ain’t right FOR ME.. UNLESS it’s URGENT, or it’s the ONLY WAY.. I don’t believe in women being in cabs with strange men ALONE! It provokes me.. I pity saudi arabia for not letting their women drive.. “It’s ok to go to school with a male driver, but you can’t drive”!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My pity for them is waaaaaaaay beyond my rage.. It’s pa the tic! Talking of double standards! Let’s go back to flying.. Isn’t it just the number one wish on man’s list of dreams? At least that’s my frequent dream.. Anyways.. I pray my headache would get lighter; ‘cuz I’m seriously going out of my mind!

"Wake me up when it's over

Wake me up when it's done

Wake me up when the skies are clearing

When the water is still

'cause I will not watch the ships sail away so

Please say you will

If it were any other day

This wouldn't get the best of me

But today I'm not so strong

So lay me down with a sad song

And when it stops then you know I've been

Gone too long

But don't shake me awake

Don't bend me or I will break

Come find me somewhere between my dreams

With the sun on my face

I will still feel it later on

But for now I'd rather be asleep"

~ Norah Jones lyrics ~

.. to go to heeeaaveeeen :D

Remember Tarek? The cute adorable li'l boy with big faith? Well, he's back to inspire us with one of his GREAT WORKS OF TRUE INSPIRATION :)

Please click here & enjoy :)

YlLaCiTsIlAiReTaM

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The weather is completely inspiring.. The sky full of clouds, the ground continuously fresh & the air gently chilly.. I love this time of the year; it’s so stirring.. I often think to my self: if that’s all I had, would I want more? You know what? I always wanted less.. Not that by less I mean less in value, on the contrary.. I mean less than I have.. Less than I’m granted.. Less than they think I need.. I wish they’d know the distances of silence growing in my heart.. I long to hear my inner echoes.. How so very delusional the colors that they see! If they could only get to reach out & hold their fantasies, they’d find out how fragile, empty & essence-less they are..

Why is it that the more I live, the more I care? I should care less.. I should detach my self a little.. A LOT! I’ve been trying to work on that for quiet some time now.. It’s not working for me!

**PHONECALL**

Merry lost her cell phone & lost her money.. Merry got upset.. She got furious.. And now merry is sad.. Merry is very sad.. What can I ever do to give her some of my inner comforting thoughts? Can anyone ever give anyone any of their very private comforting notions?

I wish I was able to explain my faith out loud.. Wish I would be able to share any of it with the world.. I hold very strong beliefs deeply in my conscious & subconscious minds of my whining heart & my unseen soul..

I thank God for words.. They truly open windows.. Windows & doors..

Come on now, lets go out & enjoy the blessing of feeling & sensing the beauties surrounding us.. I wish you all a sweet autumn & a warmly cold blessed winter :)

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"Any blessing you enjoy is from GOD. Yet, whenever you incur any adversity you immediately complain to Him."

~ Qur'an 16:53 ~

Dear Stary,

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Lonestar where are you out tonight?

This feeling I'm trying to fight

It's dark and I think that I would give anything

For you to shine down on me

How far you are I just don't know

The distance I'm willing to go

I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky

Hoping for some kind of sign

~ Written by Alexander Lee ~