Well, whatever I will say here is out of Fear of my Lord and yours... Wallahi -and Allah is my witness- my intention in typing the following is the pleasure of Allah and explaining to you my point of view, seeking progress in this life, to succeed in the next...(may Allah Almighty grant us all Al-Ferdous...Amen)
A friend of mine told me a very bad secret of hers two years ago... it was truely bad, and very heavy to carry... She thought by telling me, she'll feel much lighter... Was what she did right? Not at all...
Someone once said:
"u didnt need to come clean n u dont need to give the world n explanation.....dont air ure dirty laundry publicly it just adds to the filth....ure saying it out loud doesnt give others courage it just gives ppl a chance to point fingers and chatter...u become a topic to gossip about not a hero...ure connection to Allah is direct keep it that way dont involve the world and make them witnesses to ure follies forgiveness comes from Him alone....ure experience and ure grief is personal dont give other a chance to judge u this type of honesty is all good on the surface but trust me ure just hurting ureself in the long run...face ure fears...face them alone because only then can u truely overcome them"
I TOTALLY AGREEEEEE.
One thing you must understand, Allah has been always with you, otherwise you would not have been guided to the vehicle of inner peace. It was just that you were not aware of His presence. Once you're ready to let go of the past and ready to be in the present, then you're more able to forgive yourself before you seek forgiveness from Allah He is All-Forgiving.
So, when is it that Allah accepts repentance?
He accepts it if it meets the following conditions:
You must admit the guilt, knowing the prohibition of the act you have done.
You ought to feel remorseful for your sinful deeds. This indicates that, from the bottom of your heart, you feel sorry for that mistake.
If a person happens to be the victim of wrong actions, compensation must be made, i.e., a person robbed of his property, for instance, must be indemnified, either through restitution in integral or by paying back for damages. Thus, to prevent dissension and dispute, people’s rights huquq-l-`ibaad (rights of God’s servants) must be settled. You must make resolution that you will never look back, i.e. you must enter into a sincere covenant with God that you have completely closed those dark pages, and that you will never open them again. And, of course, you must pray to Allah for forgiveness If the Muslim achieves all these conditions, then repentance will be accepted insha’Allah, without punishment on the Day of Judgment.
IF YOU ARE CAPABLE OF HAJJ, TAKE IT INTO YOUR CONSIDERATION:
I would tell you that hajj, in itself, can be regarded as a declaration of your repentance. Simply, performing it erases all the past! Abu Huraira reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
"He who came to this House [the Ka'ba] [with the intention of performing pilgrimage], and neither spoke indecently nor did he act wickedly, would return [free from sin] as on the [very first day] his mother bore him."
May Allah guide us to the straight path, which pleases Him- Amen.