~ warm mrs. K. ~

God, I can’t anymore.. Words fail me.. I don’t know how to describe the pain.. It’s so powerful.. It’s beyond me at the moment.. It’s all stronger than me.. I don’t know from where to start or how to describe this.. I can’t fight my tears..

~~

(picture's source)
Bro, if you’re reading this, please try to pull yourself together..

Well, it’s Mrs. K.. Mrs. K is this extremely devoted teacher.. A very warm woman.. She never taught me.. In the school I graduated from she taught.. She taught my brother & touched him in a way that no other teacher did.. When I was in high school, I remember her befriending me & giving me all those girly li’l advises secretly.. She’d always leave me with this peaceful feeling that I hardly felt with anyone else.. After graduation & through my college years, I used to see her in the mosque in Ramadan.. She’d always tell me what a special girl I am & how proud she is of me.. She used to tease her girls around by praising me & wishing they’d be like me someday..

When I myself started teaching, I used to remember her & wonder: “how can she teach all these classes with that warm smile that’s never left her?!”.. I never forgot her.. And after a year & a half, I got an offer to teach in MY OWN SCHOOL.. I met the headmistress in the mosque one night & she needed me to teach there desperately.. When my first teaching day started, I couldn’t believe myself, “how can I sit in the teachers’ room with all those professional teachers (half of them were MY OWN teachers) & correct notebooks & chit chat around them?”.. I was happy & scared.. And I hardly sat in that room.. I couldn’t.. I used to carry my notebooks & books around, of course with the help of my li’l angels & correct them in the staircase..

I taught in that school for only one month.. During that month, Mrs. K. used to call me & ask me to sit with her in that room & whisper all beautiful things to my ears.. A couple of days before leaving MY school, she wrote me this beautiful supplication & asked me to always recite it & keep her in my prayers.. I promised her that & took this li’l paper & stuck it on my bed & I read it every night before sleeping.. Ever since I left the school, she’d send me a message on my cell every now & then & by mistake send it to strangers & tell me how much she hates technology.. I remember once, she was sending me this du’a that she especially wrote for me & by mistake sent it to a man.. He called her & asked her who’s this sara you’re so much in love with.. She told him accept this du’a & pray for me :)

Just today, my friend called me & told me that she’s left this earthly life, after two weeks of testes & shocks of suddenly discovering this sickening cancer that has spread & weakened her whole body.. I hope that brief pain she had wiped off her sins.. And no, I won’t call this a loss.. She’s not a loss.. She’s living in hundreds & hundreds of beating hearts.. Mrs. K. is & will always be in my prayers.. I’ll never forget her hugs.. Her body was petite, but her hugs were very strong squeezes that’d get to your soul & nourish it with strong bright light..

~~

I'm glad that the last image I have of her was that last time I met her in the mosque.. Little did I know that that was the last glimpse.. Last hug.. Last goodbye..

~~

What even made things harder for me today, is that some other sad news were delivered to me.. My friend who's told me about Mrs. K., has a very sick mother.. She’s been suffering from cancer for a number of years now.. And lately, it’s been discovered that it has spread & reached her spinal cord.. This mother is one of the strongest women I’ve ever met.. She’d be in pain & tears would roll down her cheeks without a sound.. But for the past two weeks, the pain has grown so much, to the limit that causes her to scream almost continuously..

Whoever may be reading this, please, please, please do remember these two souls & pray for them & ask Allah to grant them peace.. We never know what might happen to us, or to our beloved ones this very next instant..

How “daniyah” is this “dunya”,

And what a hard test it is to live it..

I might not be here tomorrow..

& never will I want me to fit in it..

say what?

(picture's source)

"Wee wee wee wee wee wee", that’s how my day started.. I opened my eyes this morning to the police cars surrounding my block.. A few minutes later I found out that this construction site near us was roaring with its workers’ screaming.. Why? They want to be heard! They were on a serious strike.. Something ain’t right & I don’t know what that is.. All I do know is that some hams won't do it for them..

I thought to myself, is there anything I could do? And the answer was a definite NO.. So I felt like translating the lyrics to some arabic kinda song (not very much of a song) that I cherish & dedicate it to all my angry mad moros out there..

"If you’re unable to smile,
Don’t tear up & don’t you cry..

& if you’ve got nothing but your heart,
Don’t fear anything, you’ll live & won’t die..

& if you’re asked: “where has your eye’s sparkle gone?”,
Don’t you hide, tell them the flaw isn’t mine, it is the light’s..

And I’m not into darkness, nor did I disappoint the light..

There will be a way for the light to sparkle in my eyes,
& there will be a way for the laugh to come from where it lies,

It won’t harm nor will it hurt.."

~ ha ma saat ~

My sis has been voiceless for the past three days.. I think she has some severe viral infection that has gotten to her vocal cords causing her to lose her voice temporarily.. Last night she showed real bitterness towards this infection & she seemed really miserable for being unable to SPEAK.. I told her to see what she can gain from this experience & to learn how to appreciate more & whine less.. She just said: “I want my voice back”.. I pray you have some patience until you get your voice back my beloved sis :)

I remember when I was younger, I used to hear my grandparents use the word ‘hams’ (i.e. whispering) a lot in their conversations.. That word, along with many others, captivate me with their exquisiteness.. Our generations now rarely use any of our beautiful Arabic words in our day to day talks.. Tamally (i.e. always) is another beautiful word that just came to mind..

Hamasaat (the plural of hams), is such a lovely word.. In both, its sound & meaning.. I rarely find people ihmissing (english present tense of hams ;) ) nowadays, including myself.. I’m a loud person.. I’ve been to schools all through my life that had so many different students coming from different backgrounds all packed in each & every class.. I’ve always found everyone louder than the other.. It’s kind of funny remembering the crazy mix of friends I’ve been having throughout my life :)

Well, I believe being loud originates from the fact of being unheard, being obscure.. From not having the ability to reach out & be listened to.. But being loud can never be a way out of this mess.. No matter how loud you are, if the hearts are closed, you can NEVER be heard.. So looking for a key here & there will be much more practical than screaming at the top of your lungs to the deaf masses..

* Khuzama *

(picture's source)

Well, I’ve been frequenting the horses’ stable for quiet some time now & I’ve found it very soothing being around them.. But there was this very special mare who has taken a piece of my heart.. Khuzama.. Khuzama is this exceptionally clever sweet brown mare.. She’s extremely friendly & has quickly touched my heart.. Every time I come near her, she’d rub the door’s lock with her cheek; asking me to open it for her! She loves getting patted & being hugged more than being fed! She’s also funny.. When she opens her mouth to yawn or whatever; her teeth always give me a giggle :) I love the way she blinks & how I can see myself reflected in her big sparkly black eyes.. I love her fringe.. I simply LOVE HER :)

I love horses.. Thanks to daddy, who has always been keen on instilling the love of animals in my heart.. Daddy, one of the best days of my life was that day when we went around the pyramids on the horses.. I still remember how slow you were on riding that horse.. And I also remember how fast bro & I were.. Daddy, the turtle misses you tremendously, as well as me.. I pray you’ll come back home to us safely.. Amen :)

It’s incredible the fact that we humans posses this enormous amount of strong, profound & mixed feelings.. What’s even more interesting is where those feelings could take us.. And this reminds me of this fascinating piece written by Sam called: The little love switch..

I try to control my actions & not let my feelings drive them.. And let me tell ya, it's a struggle.. I mean, I can't like this nosey security woman.. I can't stand how fake she is.. BUT, I can control our dealings.. I should be less naive & shorten our conversations.. BUT IT'S HARD! She's so sneaky man! God, I ask you to please teach me how to be more in charge of me.. 'Cuz it's hard at times.. I mean, look at Khuzama, if she doesn't like you, she shows it.. Not only that, she knows how to get back at you.. Okay okay, I don't wanna get back at anybody, I just need to learn how to be less naive..

"Prison gates won't open up for me

On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'

Oh, I reach for you

Well I'm terrified of these four walls

These iron bars can't hold my soul in

All I need is you

Come please I'm callin'

And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me

With these broken wings I'm fallin'

And all I see is you

These city walls ain't got no love for me

I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story

And oh I scream for you

Come please I'm callin'

And all I need from you

Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"

~ NICKELBACK LYRICS ~

a big DON'T!

Dear reader,

~~
If you think you’re big enough to go to the post office to mail something, remember to write your addressee’s name & your (sender’s) name & address.. Don’t just write the recipient’s address!!!!!! Things don’t work that way! Capisce?

~~

~~

Spilt milk!

“sara, you won’t believe what happened today.. I’ve been touched by an angel!”

~~

(picture's source)

There are still cute loving innocent 12 year olds living in 2008.. There are still sweet kids living in our world.. For a while, I thought there were no kids anymore & that I’m the only kid left in this world :) But this incident proved me wrong.. Here goes..

~~

Pudding was in his school’s recess & just like me happens to love laban (butter milk).. He was having his laban along with a club sandwich (again like me, loves club sandwiches) & all of a sudden, this other kiddo ran so fast & hit pudding’s arm causing the laban to spill.. That kid never said sorry but only paused & then carried on running.. Now this kiddo isn’t our hero.. The innocent angel I’m gonna talk about is still to come.. So anyway, pudding gave that running kid the look & never said a word.. And there comes our hero.. This other, also 12 year old, angel M came & …… No no, I’m not gonna say.. Guess what he did first? You won’t imagine.. Guess.. Just guess.. No, he didn’t go fight with that other kid.. No he didn’t tell pudding not to worry about it.. Okay okay, I’ll say what angel M did..

Well, angel M came from behind pudding, placed one coupon (they buy meals with coupons in this school) in pudding’s pocket & ran off.. Pudding didn’t grasp what has just happened & said “hey” & then our angel M turned around from a distance & waved with his hands saying no problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pudding didn’t believe it! He asked his classmate if he knows this angel & he said that he knows him ‘cuz he goes with him in the bus everyday.. So pudding gave his friend 5 coupons & told him to give them to angel M & wrote him a thank you note..

Can you believe this?! A 12 year old kid giving away one of his coupons? It’s not a matter of having a billion coupons, being rich or not.. It’s a matter of giving & sharing & caring.. And since when do kids care anyway? All I can say is that inshaAllah, this angel will do something to this world.. And even if he never does, he already did to pudding’s.. And to mine..

~~

I wonder how old is “don’t cry over spilt milk”, how did it start, who was the first person to spill their milk.. I love proverbs.. And I always wonder over how did they start, who started them & so on..

Spur of the moment..

(picture's source)

This horrible thing just happened a few minutes ago.. Horrible thing.. Okay.. I was waiting for the elevator to come & take me to the ground floor.. And as soon as the elevator’s doors opened, I thought there was no one in.. So I rushed in & to my surprise, I found this man, with one really bulging eye that looked so scary.. It was as if it was a plastic eye or something.. It was so frightening to me.. So I froze up, put my hand on my heart & just freaked out.. After I realized my terrible reaction, I HATED MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! So I got in & apologized.. Just said “sorry..”.. He said “sorry for scaring you..”.. I really wanted to cry.. I smiled as he left the elevator & kept a sad face on until now :(

I’m such a mean person :(

And I’m so sorry :(

Very sorry :(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I am the mother of two boys. When my youngest was born with a cleft lip and palate, I went through a period of change. I began to realize that everything I had been conditioned to believe about beauty was wrong. There is so much more to a person than his or her allotment of conventional beauty. There is a whole world of beauty that isn't about symmetry. My message to you? Look deeper. You'll see it in the curl of a smile, the glint of an eye, the outstretched arm of a child to his father. There is Life in Beauty and Beauty in Life." ~ Wynona Robinson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clearing their throats!

(picture's source)

That’s what they do when they’re fake, when they delude, when they’re embarrassed, when they’re just not being themselves.. And I don’t really like being around people when they’re like that.. It adds a burden to my chest.. Breathing even gets more difficult.. Around them, I get completely irritated & I become incapable of genuinely smiling..

Well, I do clear my throat, but that’s when it needs to be cleared.. When I don’t feel like myself, I show it.. And I never try covering it.. And I think that’s a good thing.. Please don’t think that I’m a stuck up.. It’s just that, that’s the way I’d like them to be as well.. You’re not comfortable? The place/people are not bringing your self out to its natural shape? Then leave! Change! Move! Just do anything other than suppressing those feelings to the limit that brings them out to your throat!

I’ve been somewhere where I have been suppressing some uncomfortable feelings & sadly can’t do nothing about it, for now.. But inshaAllah it’s a momentary state.. And soon I’ll spread my wings & prepare to fly..

Here are two incidents I’d like to share with you today:

First:

A phone conversation between daddy & I:
Baba: “saroor, guess what?”
Me: “what?”
Baba: “sheikh -------- (very famous certified Muslim scholar bla bla bla) just said on T.V. that: if you’re an Arab & you use another language (other than Arabic) in your daily conversations (with Arabs), without the need to do so (i.e. without the need for using that other language), YOU’RE A HYPOCRITE!”

And after days of having this conversation, I read this lovely comment written by stinger on something that amal wrote, that almost said it all:
hello sister amal (1) alhamdulillah you are very intelligent.(2) all the things you say are haq-ul-ain. (3) you will be granted jannah in return inshallah (4)
(1) I am religious, so i should greet you in a way im uncomfortable with
(2) I am religious so I should praise a fellow muslim
(3) I am religious so i should use arabic terms wherever i can
(4) since you agree to my views, you will go in heaven

LOL :D

Second:

Him (mr. very loud, very rich, very educated & very humble man): “I’m so sorry if I’m being a loud neighbor, please forgive my noisiness.. I’m just trying to get my job done as quickly as possible”

Me (in complete disbelief of this stunning behavior): “no problem whatsoever, please feel free to finish what you’ve started.. I’m sara & it’s nice to meet you :) ”

~ letting go ~

Well, today & after a long time, I've decided to let go; as I learned that letting go is completely unlike forgetting.. I'm letting go.. And I wrote a letter that I think will always remain unread.. Not a wish wish letter.. But a let go one..

~

It really surprises me what my spirit comes up with at times.. Especially when it starts raining!

(picture's source)

As it hardly rains where I live, rain is considered, at least to me, a heavenly given opportunity.. It rained before dawn for a few minutes & I was amazed with the first cry uttered by me!

~~

"Feeling tired

By the fire

The long day is over

The wind is gone

Asleep at dawn

The embers burn on

With no reprise

The sun will rise

The long day is over"

Lyrics to The Long Day Is Over

Invisible things..

(Sheye used the image and the quote on the front of Ava's funeral service booklet.)

~~

My eyes were diagnosed with a vitreous body degeneration a couple of months ago.. Sweet Dr. G told me that it's not an issue really, & has no cure.. Special eye drops are used, but don't really have a strong effect.. This degeneration is basically something like very thin fibers that I see that are located in the vitreous body.. The vitreous body is supposed to be 100% transparent.. But for me, it's not that crystal clear.. My friend cutely said: "that's cool soso, you see things we don't see.." :) It's cute the way she put it down for me.. "I see things you guys don't see.. la la la la la na na na na na.." Literally, if I look up (at the hanging clock, sky etc.) for a while, then switch my eye-sight to a lower level, or look at a side & then switch to another, I see small hairs flying/passing quickly.. It's as if tiny things are floating in my eyes.. Have you ever felt like you are different than the rest of the world & no one ever is like you? That's how I've always felt.. ALWAYS.. Not in a sense of I'm 'better' or 'worse'.. Just different.. Metaphorically, I do see things (no spooky ghosts here, don't you start).. I do feel things.. I do sense all the freaking time.. And it's bad.. It's tiring.. It's exhausting.. People like myself, are constantly frustrated (if there's any).. It's the invisible things that give me the hardest time.. It's the intangible things that truly have the strongest impact on my weak heart.. My very weak heart.. & I can't believe that while baba & mama know of my weak heart's condition, they're still up for leaving me for three weeks.. How dare you guys do this to me?! Thinking of you leaving & going so far away is almost suffocating me.. When you go out for sometime, I feel like a wingless mute humming bird.. I wish I could nap & wake up to find you back here.. Please go & come back as quickly as possible.. I love you two more than me.. Can't stand the thought of you being so far away.. Let's change this subject (that I try to avoid but can't).. Umm.. yeah, the invisible things.. I'd like to thank you Dr. G for figuring out my special abilities ;) And oh, according to my "seeing the invisible" ability, I saw your true genuine care for others the way that they've never did.. And I'd like to thank you on behalf of all those blind careless beings.. You're actually one of the few people that I found to be sincerely caring.. CARING.. CARING.. The lost word in all our dictionaries.. Caring.. I looked it up under the C list, but nothing! I'd like to protest here:

~~

Give us back the right dictionaries,

or you'll have no obituaries..

~~

Who's up for the protest?

~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My very feelings written by someone else.. Here :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* AVA *

Princess Ava

[ One of Ava's Daddy's favourite pictures. He always said it was as if Ava had found a fairy :) ]

`~~

2003
Born in Australia on August 22, 2003.

2007
Passed away on February 05, 2007 at the age of 3.

********

Well, I've always found it hard to grasp the detachment theory.. my tiniest cells aren't really familiar with the concept.. It's just like oil & water.. sara & detachment will never mix.. that's why i think that somehow I understand what Ava's mom is going through.. IT. IS. HARD. PERIOD. Nothing more can be said to describe this.. I write this with all my love to you Sheye & yours.. And I'm sure you'll always carry her heart, with you, in your own heart..

* AVA's Rule *

~ dreaming ~

(picture's source)

"When dreaming I'm guided to another world

``

Time and time again
``

At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
``

'Cuz I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
``

'Cuz there's a hunger, a longing to escape
``

From the life I live when I'm awake
``

So let's go there
``

Let's make our escape
``

Come on, let's go there
``

Let's ask can we stay?
``

Can you take me higher?
``

To the place where blind men see
``

Can you take me higher?
``

To the place with golden streets
``

Although I would like our world to change
``

It helps me to appreciate
``

Those nights and those dreams
``

But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
``

If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
``

The only difference is
``

To let love replace all our hate
``

So let's go there
``

Let's make our escape
``

Come on, let's go there
``

Let's ask can we stay?
``

Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
``

Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
``

And make them mine"



~ By Creed - Higher lyrics ~


(picture's source)

can you really see ME?

When you’re walking down the street, sitting in between strangers, or just buying something from that shop around the corner, don’t you sometimes wonder, how do people see me? What do they feel when I’m around?

(picture's source)

Or what’s the first impression they get when seeing me? Well, I always do.. And it’s sad that the way they see & weigh me, is always based on some very nasty scales.. An example: This Cashier Guy.. Well, I every now & then go to Mr. CG to encash cheques & what not.. And he would ALWAYS give me the cash withOUT placing it in an envelope or at least looking my way! And I would ALWAYS then ask him for an envelope; to put the money in.. He’s actually SUPPOSED to put it for me.. But he never does! The other day, I was going to renew my driver’s license (as it has been expired for months & hopefully I’ll talk about what happened there some other time), and on my way to the car, I saw CG waiting for a cab.. He saw me driving this big fancy car & smiled.. I took off & kept that in mind & knew that I’ll be going to him soon to encash a cheque.. And so I did.. I went with the cheque in my hand & waited in the row & there was my turn.. I stepped & found a big fat smile on his face while actually LOOKING AT ME! He read my name & cared to call it out while handing me the money IN AN ENVELOPE! DO I HAVE TO DRIVE A FANCY CAR TO GET MY MONEY IN AN ENVELOPE?! Is that it?! Is this what people look at? Gosh! What happened to all the living humans out there? Why are they dying & not giving themselves a chance to live? To really live?! I see dead people walking more than the ones alive nowadays! Hope I won’t be another dead person walking down the street, sitting in between strangers or just buying something from that shop around the corner.. I really hope so..

And to CG: It’s really bad to see you!