Wednesday, February 27, 2008

& what an invasion!


It's so true.. Undeniably true! "think about it." like nissou* said.. This day will never happen again.. So why don't we just be us & enjoy ourselves to the fullest? Why are we so sure that there is a tomorrow? Why am I so scared? Scared of feeling too much? So what if it harms me; I'll be hurt anyway if I confine myself this way.. I've always been like this.. Building walls in fear of being invaded! Complexity has always been following me..
~
I can't stay in my glasshouse! Nope, I can't keep myself locked this way.. Thigs happen.. People live.. Others don't.. I never thought people in my circle wouldn't though.. My people! My loved ones!! The very people whom my heart holds tight.. Felt that others losing someone dear to them is more likely to happen than it happening to me.. Ammar left.. You don't know Ammar.. And I assume you never will.. MK did too.. And so did Mrs. K..

I need someone to share my heart with.. To split my heart with.. It's getting too heavy to carry it on my own now.. It’s so full.. Fully stacked & I can't carry it alone.. I need someone who's strong enough to come in, break my glasshouse & carry my heart with me, for life........ Oh, why oh why does my heart ache this way? Ah ya alby!

We gotta do what we gotta do.. And do it this very moment.. Today.. Now! Don't wait.. Please don't.. You don't have time to wait!

How can the world be filled with people, while everywhere I look I see emptiness?! Oh how I love you ya Allah.. You Are So Loving.. I know You're always there for us.. I ask You to please guide us.. Enlighten our hearts.. Keep us uplifted.. Show us the light.. Keep us in the light.. Teach us how to contain each other.. Bear each other.. Love each other.. Unite us within Your mercy.. Compassion is all I ask for.. Ya Allah, You hear me.. You see me.. You created me.. Take me far away from here.. Take me if my life is of no use to any other life.. Let me go back to where I came from.. Forgive me.. Pardon me.. I'm weak.. My heart is weak.. Please Dear God, guard my heart; for without Your guidance it'll be doomed forever.. Strengthen it.. Fill it with all that You love.. Love me Ya Allah.. I need Your love for me.. Love me.. :')

I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight, just like I've been doing.. I'll hold my heart & keep on hoping.. Hoping that my pillow would dry soon & my sweaty palms would find some rest.. And I'll pray.. Pray for a strong light to come in; fill my room & kill all my sorrow..



"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere i go you go ,my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart…

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"


~ by ee cummings ~

10 comments:

jasimd said...

Sadly enough, I can relate to that.
But on the other hand, I keep telling myself it's okay to mourn this moment, but it's not to mourn what we do not see. Yes, we do see emptiness in people around us, yet what would it be like if all the people, are simply cases of us?!

Hope you know what I mean.

wonders said...

the worst feeling is to feel alone when you are surrounded by a lot of people, i know how u feel.

Batoul A. said...

Salamet albek Sara :/

Gold said...

Dear Sara,

I'm sorry that you feel that! I'm really sorry that you have to go through that, but believe me you will get through and become tougher inshaAllah. Didn't Arrasul PBUH suffer emotional stresses of greater magnitudes? The love of his life died in the time he needed her most. Why? for the sake of emotional wisdom I believe, to prepare him for what is to come, and to teach him to get Attached more to Allah SWT.

Becoming tough does not mean that you will become cold.. not a chance! But it does mean that the lake can turn into a river, a streamlined river that flows in a desired direction instead of flowing everywhere without a controlling force. It CAN be controlled, and let me tell you that THIS is the beginning of control.. inshaAllah :)

I've been there BIG TIME.. after the storm gradually calms down, an amazing feeling of satisfaction and gratitude takes over :)

I'm passing through VERY tough times right now, being crushed under various emotional stresses, but those past times that passed - ones u are passing through now - are helping, Sometimes it is just great to stop feeling and start thinking, specially in this world of ours.

Don't know what to tell you ya Sara!

...

I just ask Allah for guidance.. for us all!

U know that image? The one u run your fingers slowly on, top to bottom, and tear your eyes up? Like a woman touching the picture of her late husband, wishing to be re-united with him sometime.

I know..

But I don't know what to do about what I know believe me.

We are trying to embrace such an image, to create a projection of something we chose to embrace, but maybe reality can twist this raw image in order to make it usable. Being Utopian isn't exactly my version of doing what is right, so one has to adapt to the shear and tear of life, bend left and right while strengthening the material he's made from.

Offense is the best way for Defense, and believe me, offense isn't bad at all, it is just more positive.

Cairo teaches you much more than that!

Let's get out of here.. shall we? :)

MASS said...

I ll be more blunt (than one often should in commenting on such posts) as i often use to go through such emotional phases

this emotional voidance comes and goes, especially for one who lacks a partner. The lack of loving and being loved of an opposite gender.

but if one keeps emphasizing such emotions will only in return turn weaker and lose determination for what is meaningful

it is better to keep such emotions on the side and wait for the time.

it is weak and childish to pity yourself or to seek it from others, rather than seeking strength in someone else one should seek strength in themselves and struggle with such emotions if necessary.

in the end it is what the mind perceives.
Engaging in something self challenging will always help reduce if not totally destroy such emotions.

Gold said...

The voice of reason, represented by MASS here, I believe.

Being understanding does not mean to encourage such feelings, but to cope with them, taking them by the arm into the light, instead of working violently against them, for God only knows the anomalies that might appear then.

Usually we are advised to search inside ourselves for the wrong things we are doing, and try to cease doing them. It is something to keep the mind busy with ways to handle the self, and the heart busy with a road to Heaven, which is a sort of business called "Jihad", the reward in this life and the next are enormous.

We are all Mujahidoon, given that we try to do the right thing in our current environment. Every moment of sadness takes away sayyi'aat, every single small moment that passes in sadness for the righteous path is a step closer to heaven inshaAllah, may we all be united there.

Being sorry for other people is not weakness, but is an act of care. The more people astray you see the more down you go, so care is with care (pun intended) and in hope for Allah's mercy.

Lonliness is a consumable good these days, keeps one busy thinking about it, but it isn't a healthy good to tell u the truth. Many lonely tearful souls out there, to the extent u can't imagine, but our position is better than lots and lots of them alhamdulillah.

The love of Allah fills your heart and that alone should keep you grateful to a huge extent. What passed already changed you into someone better and there is satisfaction right there.

Do you imagine talking to the 19 year old Sara? What did the current Sara do for the teenage Sara's future? Why don't you tell her how Allah was merciful? And how she has changed to become someone better and more able to stand up for herself?

Now that's a good thought, eh?

May you be better, feel better, and be united with those who you are destined to be united with :)

Maryam said...

I agree with Wonders ..... Dear, You can make it through this phase too, Just have faith in Allah and then in yourselves.

And, i dont need to remind you, But i am always there for you sweety.
Take care

www.infoguide.wordpress.com

sara said...

jasimd,
I'm sorry to know that you could relate.. One more sad person :(
They are/could-be cases of us.. Right..

wonders,
you got it :(

batoul,
teslamy ya batoulaaaaa :$

Abdo,
I'm sorry to know that you too are going through a hard time yourself.. I can't make it better anyway.. All I could do is remind you that you are never alone.. Allah is forever there..
I'll be tough, someday! InshaAllah..
"while strengthening the material he's made from" How do you manage to express your heart out this beautifully? I always wonder!
I wanna run outta here..

mass,
I'd like to start by thanking you for sharing your thoughts.. However, you know what really saddens me (seems like everything is adding to my grief lately)? Being misunderstood.. Unfortunately, you didn't get my words.. I was somewhere far away from this world while writing those feelings..
Thanks again for your time :)

Abdo,
Shukran for coming back here.. It's nice to read ourselves out loud.. Nice to find some thoughts written by others depicting our very own realities..
Well, I did some talking with the 19 year old sara.. it was relieving :)
I don't care if I'm called weak or vulnerable though.. I feel so.. So whatever.. I'll be fine soon inshaAllah.. i could feel it coming..

Maryoomy,
You're there for me & Ican't want anything more than that from you..
THANK YOU LOVY :)
xoxo

sara said...

Oh, Abdo, before I go..

Umm, you said: "Being Utopian isn't exactly my version of doing what is right"..

I wish I could be like that..

sara said...

Oh, Abdo, before I go..

Umm, you said: "Being Utopian isn't exactly my version of doing what is right"..

I wish I could be like that..