God, I can’t anymore.. Words fail me.. I don’t know how to describe the pain.. It’s so powerful.. It’s beyond me at the moment.. It’s all stronger than me.. I don’t know from where to start or how to describe this.. I can’t fight my tears.. ~~
(picture's source)
Bro, if you’re reading this, please try to pull yourself together..
Well, it’s Mrs. K.. Mrs. K is this extremely devoted teacher.. A very warm woman.. She never taught me.. In the school I graduated from she taught.. She taught my brother & touched him in a way that no other teacher did.. When I was in high school, I remember her befriending me & giving me all those girly li’l advises secretly.. She’d always leave me with this peaceful feeling that I hardly felt with anyone else.. After graduation & through my college years, I used to see her in the mosque in Ramadan.. She’d always tell me what a special girl I am & how proud she is of me.. She used to tease her girls around by praising me & wishing they’d be like me someday..
When I myself started teaching, I used to remember her & wonder: “how can she teach all these classes with that warm smile that’s never left her?!”.. I never forgot her.. And after a year & a half, I got an offer to teach in MY OWN SCHOOL.. I met the headmistress in the mosque one night & she needed me to teach there desperately.. When my first teaching day started, I couldn’t believe myself, “how can I sit in the teachers’ room with all those professional teachers (half of them were MY OWN teachers) & correct notebooks & chit chat around them?”.. I was happy & scared.. And I hardly sat in that room.. I couldn’t.. I used to carry my notebooks & books around, of course with the help of my li’l angels & correct them in the staircase..
I taught in that school for only one month.. During that month, Mrs. K. used to call me & ask me to sit with her in that room & whisper all beautiful things to my ears.. A couple of days before leaving MY school, she wrote me this beautiful supplication & asked me to always recite it & keep her in my prayers.. I promised her that & took this li’l paper & stuck it on my bed & I read it every night before sleeping.. Ever since I left the school, she’d send me a message on my cell every now & then & by mistake send it to strangers & tell me how much she hates technology.. I remember once, she was sending me this du’a that she especially wrote for me & by mistake sent it to a man.. He called her & asked her who’s this sara you’re so much in love with.. She told him accept this du’a & pray for me :)
Just today, my friend called me & told me that she’s left this earthly life, after two weeks of testes & shocks of suddenly discovering this sickening cancer that has spread & weakened her whole body.. I hope that brief pain she had wiped off her sins.. And no, I won’t call this a loss.. She’s not a loss.. She’s living in hundreds & hundreds of beating hearts.. Mrs. K. is & will always be in my prayers.. I’ll never forget her hugs.. Her body was petite, but her hugs were very strong squeezes that’d get to your soul & nourish it with strong bright light..
Bro, if you’re reading this, please try to pull yourself together..
Well, it’s Mrs. K.. Mrs. K is this extremely devoted teacher.. A very warm woman.. She never taught me.. In the school I graduated from she taught.. She taught my brother & touched him in a way that no other teacher did.. When I was in high school, I remember her befriending me & giving me all those girly li’l advises secretly.. She’d always leave me with this peaceful feeling that I hardly felt with anyone else.. After graduation & through my college years, I used to see her in the mosque in Ramadan.. She’d always tell me what a special girl I am & how proud she is of me.. She used to tease her girls around by praising me & wishing they’d be like me someday..
When I myself started teaching, I used to remember her & wonder: “how can she teach all these classes with that warm smile that’s never left her?!”.. I never forgot her.. And after a year & a half, I got an offer to teach in MY OWN SCHOOL.. I met the headmistress in the mosque one night & she needed me to teach there desperately.. When my first teaching day started, I couldn’t believe myself, “how can I sit in the teachers’ room with all those professional teachers (half of them were MY OWN teachers) & correct notebooks & chit chat around them?”.. I was happy & scared.. And I hardly sat in that room.. I couldn’t.. I used to carry my notebooks & books around, of course with the help of my li’l angels & correct them in the staircase..
I taught in that school for only one month.. During that month, Mrs. K. used to call me & ask me to sit with her in that room & whisper all beautiful things to my ears.. A couple of days before leaving MY school, she wrote me this beautiful supplication & asked me to always recite it & keep her in my prayers.. I promised her that & took this li’l paper & stuck it on my bed & I read it every night before sleeping.. Ever since I left the school, she’d send me a message on my cell every now & then & by mistake send it to strangers & tell me how much she hates technology.. I remember once, she was sending me this du’a that she especially wrote for me & by mistake sent it to a man.. He called her & asked her who’s this sara you’re so much in love with.. She told him accept this du’a & pray for me :)
Just today, my friend called me & told me that she’s left this earthly life, after two weeks of testes & shocks of suddenly discovering this sickening cancer that has spread & weakened her whole body.. I hope that brief pain she had wiped off her sins.. And no, I won’t call this a loss.. She’s not a loss.. She’s living in hundreds & hundreds of beating hearts.. Mrs. K. is & will always be in my prayers.. I’ll never forget her hugs.. Her body was petite, but her hugs were very strong squeezes that’d get to your soul & nourish it with strong bright light..
~~
I'm glad that the last image I have of her was that last time I met her in the mosque.. Little did I know that that was the last glimpse.. Last hug.. Last goodbye..
~~
What even made things harder for me today, is that some other sad news were delivered to me.. My friend who's told me about Mrs. K., has a very sick mother.. She’s been suffering from cancer for a number of years now.. And lately, it’s been discovered that it has spread & reached her spinal cord.. This mother is one of the strongest women I’ve ever met.. She’d be in pain & tears would roll down her cheeks without a sound.. But for the past two weeks, the pain has grown so much, to the limit that causes her to scream almost continuously..
Whoever may be reading this, please, please, please do remember these two souls & pray for them & ask Allah to grant them peace.. We never know what might happen to us, or to our beloved ones this very next instant..
Whoever may be reading this, please, please, please do remember these two souls & pray for them & ask Allah to grant them peace.. We never know what might happen to us, or to our beloved ones this very next instant..
How “daniyah” is this “dunya”,
And what a hard test it is to live it..
I might not be here tomorrow..
& never will I want me to fit in it..
5 comments:
Analytics off.
Now this needs some hugs and tears alright.
Let me tell you about a dream I had some month ago.. hmm.. remembered something now.. interesting!!
Anyway, the dream was not just amazing, but breathtaking to the extent that the black letters on the white background infront of me now are blurry from the tears forming in my eyes,, lets just squeeze them out for a clear vision.. now its better.. i hope you are better! are you? inshaAllah you are..
So this dream (i'm too talkative but i think you need it) was about me in the street, white light everywhere, just like any other autumn clear day in Cairo, some clouds here and there and the sun is providing.. the weather just perfect.. and here are my mom and dad, i'm with them in the street, but I have somewhere to go and i will be separated from them only to meet them later (goosebumps as i remember)..
I have to go visit a sick grandmother of one of my friends.. she is very sick and most probably dying, and i HAVE to go.. where? that HUGE HUGE sort of cathedral like building. I KNOW that this building is not from my same religion. HUGE statues upfront embedded into the walls of the building, and the entrance looks so legendary, only the whole building is not in harmony with itself, there are red-brick sides as well that are taking away the perfection of the building's design!
Anyway, I go in. HUGE space with a red carpet, expensive chandeliers, very rich people all around having some sort of party. All well dressed, and all occupied with their own business, noone gives attention to me. I go through the entrance but my parents aren't allowed in. "Looks like a very important place holding a very important person!", that's the thought I murmur to myself.
Costumed people guide me into a side entrance where there is one VAST elevator. Everything so well decorated that you could hardly set your eyes on a place that does not contain a piece of art. Even the inside of the elevator has a red carpet!
I go Up and strange conflicting thoughts start to form up into my head as I exit the elevator and enter the large bedroom where there are all sorts of people sitting around the big white bed, with an old lady in the middle of the bed covered with sheets up to her waist. To my surprise one of those thoughts is that she isn't a Muslim?! I don't know and I'm not sure till now! All that i know is that i greeted my friend (a friend in reality) and went to the lady.. and here is where your story rang a bell!
I hugged that woman, I hugged that old lady and started whispering words of wisdom and assurance into her ears. Seems I was SO SURE that she's not gonna survive the illness, so I start telling her stuff that would make her feel better.
*don't know what the neighbors upstairs are doing!!!! what a noise!!!!*
And I start to remind her of the great things she's done in her life for other people! I remind her of God's mercy and how he will never overlook all the great things she's done in her life for the people. Goosebumps and tears every time I mention a fact of those, and with the spasm of goosebumps the lady squeezes me like she means business! it is a non-describable hug but let me attempt to convey. It was just like Mrs. K's hug Allah yer7amha. Hard but not painful, yet so merciful! Can't imagine how both could go together!!!
Then I start saying some Aya's from the Quran that i don't remember, and then someone from the surrounding people starts to debate with me some Ayat in Surat Annisaa', I respond and then things start to get blurry at that point.
I don't get the point of the dream.. but I think it has something to do with sacrificing for other people and doing good deeds!
Just like the time i had a dream about Christopher Reeve, well and healthy and talking to me, and I was asking him about his status now he tells me that he is okay!!!?? I almost wake up but i force myself into the dream and continue debating some facts with him!! how weird is that?!
Later on I go to his website and find out the before his death he's done a loooooooot of charity work, and his family are on his same way, spending for the research of paralysis for example.. stuff like that!
Yeah, I'm weird like that! But I can't control the dreams I have and the marks they leave inside me.. Like that Thailand honeymoon where the sea ate the rest of the island.....
man do I need popcorn in bed? :D
yeah that's a good smile! :)
keep it together, ok?
Cheers
Allah yr7amhom wo yer7amna.
The words you spoke of these ladies has shaken me. May Allah reward you too.
There is nothing you, me or anyone else can do; other than remembering our ultimate destiny.
bro yususf,
what’s interesting?
Abdo,
Thanks for your time.. bigad.. And for the concentration in the midst of the neighbors’ noises.. Maybe ‘cuz it was a Thursday; there was some partying :) Rabinna yefarah ennas kollaha.. Ennas etayebba kollaha..
Lovely dream.. I love dreams when they are clear.. And when they leave you with that beautiful soothing feeling.. Thanks for sharing those details that go under “the invisible”.. The invisible that’s usually clearer to us than the visible.. But hey hey hey.. wait a sec.. u said the streets with white lights?! I thought all of egypt’s streets’ lights had yellow lights.. And that’s one of the best things I love about it.. I hate white lights here in the U.A.E., not so comforting.. Can u recheck the dream? Try to remember..
I love old cathedrals.. Love the colorful glass & high ceilings.. Love the curves & the candles.. So peaceful..
You’re such a dreamer! Hope it isn’t a cause of any tiring or worrying for you..
You know, death is life.. just a different one from the one we know.. Different in the breathing & all.. Talking of breathing.. I was out with one of my relatives on the corniche & the weather was fan tas tic! & he was telling me of a good exercise that actually made this all easier for me.. Here’s how it was.. You breathe in through your nose for five seconds.. then hold your breath for another five seconds.. And eventually let go of your breath slowly for another five seconds.. But of course.. I wasn’t able to reach the five.. only at three & I was stuck.. Maybe ‘cuz I’m asthmatic & my lungs aren’t used to working as hard as they should.. But even at three.. That was amazing!
You definitely need popcorn in bed.. I prefer caramel popcorn :)
Batoul,
Amen :)
stinger,
“death ain’t nothing but a heartbeat away..”
Someone is not concentrating here, or thinking dark thoughts that make his default environment the good old night
The dream was in the morning :) not at night, so the light of the morning was the light..
yeah the invisible is a far more visible than the so-called visible to me.. I don't fully understand the invisible behind the visible, but i DO understand the invisible that is revealed to me! can't seem to relate yet, but i think its in an upcoming stage, but i gotta deserve it first!
Let me talk more about my dreams inside the goldinside bloggy thingy..
Ur welcome
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