Invisible things..

(Sheye used the image and the quote on the front of Ava's funeral service booklet.)

~~

My eyes were diagnosed with a vitreous body degeneration a couple of months ago.. Sweet Dr. G told me that it's not an issue really, & has no cure.. Special eye drops are used, but don't really have a strong effect.. This degeneration is basically something like very thin fibers that I see that are located in the vitreous body.. The vitreous body is supposed to be 100% transparent.. But for me, it's not that crystal clear.. My friend cutely said: "that's cool soso, you see things we don't see.." :) It's cute the way she put it down for me.. "I see things you guys don't see.. la la la la la na na na na na.." Literally, if I look up (at the hanging clock, sky etc.) for a while, then switch my eye-sight to a lower level, or look at a side & then switch to another, I see small hairs flying/passing quickly.. It's as if tiny things are floating in my eyes.. Have you ever felt like you are different than the rest of the world & no one ever is like you? That's how I've always felt.. ALWAYS.. Not in a sense of I'm 'better' or 'worse'.. Just different.. Metaphorically, I do see things (no spooky ghosts here, don't you start).. I do feel things.. I do sense all the freaking time.. And it's bad.. It's tiring.. It's exhausting.. People like myself, are constantly frustrated (if there's any).. It's the invisible things that give me the hardest time.. It's the intangible things that truly have the strongest impact on my weak heart.. My very weak heart.. & I can't believe that while baba & mama know of my weak heart's condition, they're still up for leaving me for three weeks.. How dare you guys do this to me?! Thinking of you leaving & going so far away is almost suffocating me.. When you go out for sometime, I feel like a wingless mute humming bird.. I wish I could nap & wake up to find you back here.. Please go & come back as quickly as possible.. I love you two more than me.. Can't stand the thought of you being so far away.. Let's change this subject (that I try to avoid but can't).. Umm.. yeah, the invisible things.. I'd like to thank you Dr. G for figuring out my special abilities ;) And oh, according to my "seeing the invisible" ability, I saw your true genuine care for others the way that they've never did.. And I'd like to thank you on behalf of all those blind careless beings.. You're actually one of the few people that I found to be sincerely caring.. CARING.. CARING.. The lost word in all our dictionaries.. Caring.. I looked it up under the C list, but nothing! I'd like to protest here:

~~

Give us back the right dictionaries,

or you'll have no obituaries..

~~

Who's up for the protest?

~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My very feelings written by someone else.. Here :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* AVA *

Princess Ava

[ One of Ava's Daddy's favourite pictures. He always said it was as if Ava had found a fairy :) ]

`~~

2003
Born in Australia on August 22, 2003.

2007
Passed away on February 05, 2007 at the age of 3.

********

Well, I've always found it hard to grasp the detachment theory.. my tiniest cells aren't really familiar with the concept.. It's just like oil & water.. sara & detachment will never mix.. that's why i think that somehow I understand what Ava's mom is going through.. IT. IS. HARD. PERIOD. Nothing more can be said to describe this.. I write this with all my love to you Sheye & yours.. And I'm sure you'll always carry her heart, with you, in your own heart..

* AVA's Rule *

~ dreaming ~

(picture's source)

"When dreaming I'm guided to another world

``

Time and time again
``

At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
``

'Cuz I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
``

'Cuz there's a hunger, a longing to escape
``

From the life I live when I'm awake
``

So let's go there
``

Let's make our escape
``

Come on, let's go there
``

Let's ask can we stay?
``

Can you take me higher?
``

To the place where blind men see
``

Can you take me higher?
``

To the place with golden streets
``

Although I would like our world to change
``

It helps me to appreciate
``

Those nights and those dreams
``

But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
``

If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
``

The only difference is
``

To let love replace all our hate
``

So let's go there
``

Let's make our escape
``

Come on, let's go there
``

Let's ask can we stay?
``

Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
``

Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
``

And make them mine"



~ By Creed - Higher lyrics ~


(picture's source)

can you really see ME?

When you’re walking down the street, sitting in between strangers, or just buying something from that shop around the corner, don’t you sometimes wonder, how do people see me? What do they feel when I’m around?

(picture's source)

Or what’s the first impression they get when seeing me? Well, I always do.. And it’s sad that the way they see & weigh me, is always based on some very nasty scales.. An example: This Cashier Guy.. Well, I every now & then go to Mr. CG to encash cheques & what not.. And he would ALWAYS give me the cash withOUT placing it in an envelope or at least looking my way! And I would ALWAYS then ask him for an envelope; to put the money in.. He’s actually SUPPOSED to put it for me.. But he never does! The other day, I was going to renew my driver’s license (as it has been expired for months & hopefully I’ll talk about what happened there some other time), and on my way to the car, I saw CG waiting for a cab.. He saw me driving this big fancy car & smiled.. I took off & kept that in mind & knew that I’ll be going to him soon to encash a cheque.. And so I did.. I went with the cheque in my hand & waited in the row & there was my turn.. I stepped & found a big fat smile on his face while actually LOOKING AT ME! He read my name & cared to call it out while handing me the money IN AN ENVELOPE! DO I HAVE TO DRIVE A FANCY CAR TO GET MY MONEY IN AN ENVELOPE?! Is that it?! Is this what people look at? Gosh! What happened to all the living humans out there? Why are they dying & not giving themselves a chance to live? To really live?! I see dead people walking more than the ones alive nowadays! Hope I won’t be another dead person walking down the street, sitting in between strangers or just buying something from that shop around the corner.. I really hope so..

And to CG: It’s really bad to see you!

** tap out your rhythm **

(picture's source)

Working Hard.. Two words that tire you as soon as you hear them.. Working Hard.. People refer to working hard differently.. I loved what Seth Godin wrote on Labor Day..

It’s quite interesting seeing people perform different tasks.. What’s even more exciting, is seeing people do things you can’t do.. Yesterday, I was staring at this construction site through a window & it was fascinating to me seeing what those guys in green uniforms can do! And a few minutes after studying the scene, I was astonished to notice one of the workers standing on top of a few bricks & tapping his feet to some rhythm in his head! I couldn’t believe my eyes! In the midst of this heat, hammering, banging, yelling, sawing & digging he was tapping his feet & hands & enjoying some unheard beats! Way to go brother :)

Last weekend something so weird happened.. After a long shopping day & while sitting in the car on the way back home, I sneezed.. And in that split second of my sneeze, I saw some hand bags hanging.. It was as if I took a picture of one of those shops that I’ve been to & stuck it to my eyelids! That was magnificent!

Talking of magnificence, I wonder how everybody who's up for hajj is feeling.. Do they comprehend the beauty of this blessing they've been granted? Will I ever go for hajj? May Allah accept our efforts & grant us all His mercy.. Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never forget:

Tap out your rhythm world :)

~ hide & seek ~

(picture's source)

I think it's just as hard to hide as it is to seek

But in hiding you hardly get anything but weak..

When you're weak your life gets as cold as ice

And trying to gain it back would be as rolling dice..

Thus, the game of hide and seek has always caused pain

And those who enjoy it will end up with no gain..

Mailbox usage……

Photograph by nissou*

["photograph" is a less description of what this truly is.. This is a unique gift! Go nissou, go nissou, go nissou:) ]

Mailbox usage: 1% of 5 GB…… That’s the message I see when signing in to my online account (that's been registered since: 29 September 2003.. I have 1496 messages so far).. How comforting! It gives you this amazing satisfying feeling that you can still have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than you already have & you won’t have to delete anything you’ve got.. You’re only filling ONE PERCENT of the space you HAVE.. How wonderful! And for a second there, I thought to myself, can this possibly be where I’m standing in life? Like can my “mailbox” be my entire worldly life & my “mailbox usage” be my past? Of course not.. It can’t be that I’ve only lived 1% of my life & 99% is still to come.. It just can’t be.. How many more moments do I have left? And the years that have been gone, are they enough to put me through the big test? Just wondering..

Looking back at my past, I see unfinished stuff that ended without me…… Just without me.. And I also see things that are still hanging with me, while they were supposed to be outdated long back…… I hang on to things firmly..

By the way, why is it that when someone dies, we say they “passed away”? Why not passed on (as in passed on to the next life)? I like it better.. Don’t you? Anyways, I wish death had the only power to make people miss each other.. Distance is one of the other reasonS.. Distances.. *sighs*

I miss you bro.. I wanna thank you for the teddy.. And for that hemisphere thing that contains water along with that tiny yellow duck.. I think it’s been over ten years now.. Right? You were a wee lad back then ;) Oh bro, I miss you.. I’m missing you constantly.. Everything has been reminding me of you lately.. It sometimes seems that the whole world is calling out your name.. Mama says there’s even a bank that has recently launched carrying your name.. So now it’s oils & banks? And Qur’an of course.. Oh, it’s just everywhere.. Brooooooooooooooo, you are everywhere to me.. I pray for you day & night.. I pray to see you soon.. Amen.

Always remember:

“Ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no valley low enough

Ain't no river wide enough

To keep me from getting to you”

Back to my mailbox, I wonder when will it ever be full?

--

-

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE: Days from posting this, my mailbox usage changed from:

1% to 2% of 5 GB

hahaha :D

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ hand in my pocket ~

~ Beautiful work by nissou* ~

Getting real..

(picture's source)

Our days aren’t always as sweet as we hope for them to be.. We all seek beauty, warmth & coziness & make every effort to live them.. But things don’t always turn out to be the way that we want them to.. Umm AbdurRahman wrote something on that, that is so overwhelming.. Here goes: “She had pretty pink toes”..

c o l d f e e t

(picture's source)

She grabbed the pencil & sharpened it thinking it might help her see through the maze that she was thrown in.. She held the pencil carelessly & couldn’t hold it as tight as she used to.. She started scribbling her pain away.. She didn’t believe that those words were said.. She was drowning in disbelief & denial! After writing a couple of words about how she felt, she went like: “can this be a joke? can it?”.. She was so sore.. She was shocked, stunned & the rest of it.. She didn’t even care to cry; ‘cuz she knew that if she did, she won’t be able to ever stop! Hurt & broken were only hints of how she felt.. Her heart was cold.. Her lungs were gasping for air & she didn’t have any power whatsoever left to help them.. The gasping was so loud, that wherever she went, they’d all turn around & stare at her.. She almost didn’t blink; in an attempt not to miss seeing any clear clue as to why this was happening.. How can a few words be this powerful? How can they affect her entire being? How can a stranger have this ability to strike her this strongly? She carried on wondering.. Her fingers started getting numb.. Her wound was so deep; that she knew that no cure would be able to bring her any where near comfort.. She was taught that every illness has its cure.. “Where is my cure?” she screamed.. Her disturbance started getting to her striving soul.. She was scared.. Trembling with fear.. And nobody was able to lend her their hands.. Eventually, she shut her eyes & decided not to see no more, at least through those horrifying moments..

*ALL i HAVE*

(picture's source)

A dear friend of mine has just told someone else that I’m remarkably generous.. I felt good :) Hope its as true as it was said.. My opinion on this, is that being generous isn’t really about HOW MUCH you spend, its about the way you spend it.. It’s not in the quantity.. I feel/see it in the approach.. Like how a person always gives & really truly fully genuinely wants to give, with all means.. To me, this is the best type of generosity I’ve ever experienced.. THIS IS GENEROSITY.. Sadly, I hardly see this type of kindness anywhere.. Its running out.. Or has it always been this way? Like years & years ago, were the kindly giving people all around or hardly existing like nowadays? Its painful for me seeing people so cautious & fearful the way they are.. IT DOES GET TO ME! I can’t tolerate being around those people.. Am I being bad now? I never wait after giving, never wait to be given.. What I hate most is that, even my giving sometimes ISN'T understood! The worst part of this ordeal is that, these matters can NEVER be explained! No matter how much you explain, you can’t teach people or let them experience "giving"! Giving for me is always a pleasure.. I truly enjoy it.. Hope everybody else does :)

"It's all I have to bring today

This, and my heart beside

This, and my heart, and all the fields

And all the meadows wide

Be sure you count - should I forget

Some one the sum could tell

This, and my heart, and all the Bees

Which in the Clover dwell"

By Emily Dickinson

~ chastity ~

(picture's source)

Here’s one thing I wish I could shout out to the world, “world, say cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!”.. There, I said it! People: when your eyes meet with one another, just remember to SAY CHEESE.. It won’t harm you in any way whatsoever.. Trust me, it won’t!

I don’t get it.. When guys see me, they smile.. But when “the ladies” see me, what, they get lazy to do it?! Come on now, what’s that all about? Passing a smile won’t charge you much, will it? Or does it have to be from the other gender for you to smile?!?!?!?!

I also did this li’l experiment to test people’s “thank you”.. And it turns out to be the exact same! Like when a GUY asks me something & I answer, they directly thank me.. But when a lady asks something & I as well answer (even sweeter than the way I answered the guy) she nods & leaves!

Ladieeeeeeeeeeeees? What’s the matter? Is it me? Am I missing something here?

The last time I gave the world a loud cheese was when…… Okay, this was fu nnyyyyyyyyy :D Let me start by asking you this, do you know HOW the freshest products you find at the supermarket get to the very back of the shelves? We all know WHY, but we usually don’t know HOW.. Why? Definitely to let people take the stuff displayed in front of them & finish them off first & keep the recently produced stuff at the back to stay longer (but of course as an arab/egyptian, I do what I saw my parents do.. Which is reach all the way to the baaaaaaaaack of the shelf & grab the furthest item my hand could reach, of course while having that “I’m so smart, I’m smarter than everyone else” look..) ..Well, I constantly thought to myself, how can they always succeed in putting all those fresh goods at the very back? Do they take all the stuff (like milk for instance) off the shelves, put the freshest at the back, then return the least fresh stuff at the front? Well, I found out the answer, but through a terrifying incident :D But of course ended up with one of those big fat cheeses of mine ;) Well, I was at this store heading to the fridge.. I opened it & I was (acting smart, like I learned from my folks) stretching my arm to reach for the last bottle of laban (this salty milk) on the row & all of a sudden.. All of a sudden I see this human being moving right behind the shelves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I freaked out & said “Bismilllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” so loud & jumped back.. Everyone at the store laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughed their lungs out & thought that I just freaked out like that.. So my friend came close & said “what’s wrong?”.. With one hand on my heart & the other pointing to the fridge, she got the shock too.. hahaha.. Then I learned, that those fridges & shelves have a rolling back; as to help the workers loading them, to load them from the back with the freshest stuff.. LOL :)

I love it when I discover li’l big things that people don’t even take the time to notice or wonder about (is it that I’m trying to feel special? am I that desperate? LOL).. And one of those things, is studying that man watering the plants in offices & observing his attitude.. Well, I’ve noticed & studied him for quiet some time now.. I’m sad to mention that he HATES what he’s doing! He hates those plants.. The worst part is, if he never shows up, no one would even notice the plants dying of thirst! I’m so sure of that! So I don’t understand who’s faking things here, companies buying the plants? Or hiring a man to water them? Or the man doing what he hates?All I’m sure of, is that those plants can't be the cause of this fake scene.. No one even looks at those abandoned plants! I’m sure they’d love to be out there, enjoying their “natural” environment.. I wish I could do anything about this.. Wish I could set a meeting to discuss the bitter insensitivity flowing around through fake streams of coldness that’s almost freezing out everything beautiful & real..

One more li’l big thing I notice & extremely despise.. You know how married couples are like at the beginning of their marriage? See that picture at the top, it’s almost how each & every couple starts.. Flowers, gifts & all the so vanilla sweet tones of life.. Shortly comes the “So what? who cares?” attitude.. Now I wanna talk about one small act that proves that.. I noticed that in hospitals (where “serious” stuff occur), parks (where fun is found), beaches or anywhere else, husbands lead the way while walking, carrying almost nothing (none of their belongings like their children’s bags or whatever) & wives at the back with a kid in one hand, a bunch of bags in the other & so forth.. This scene is very common here in the arab world.. It really breaks my heart seeing men thinking that this is “manhood”.. It’s so not.. Let me add one more tiny detail (for muhajabas) if I may.. Well, as now the weather is changing & it’s getting windy, I hate walking in this weather ‘cuz of one reason: clothes I wear find their way to STICK to me.. It’s so uncomfortable walking while your clothes are sticking to you; bringing out your detailed form.. At least for muhajabas.. It just feels bad & embarrassing.. Yet “husbands” on the other hand don’t notice this at all! They carry on leading the way & walking ahead of their wives! (they could simply walk close by behind their wives; as to cover them from the back or whatever).. I wish these tiny things could be explained to all men.. The thing is, it’s hard.. There are things that just can’t be explained.. You have to feel them yourself.. You can’t MAKE people feel them..

I’d like to wrap this up with some breaking news ;) .. Pudding bought this amazingly sweet smelling perfume called chastity.. The name goes with the scent somehow! Just phenomenal! It just smells like dunhill desire.. Don’t ask me how!

“Tell the believing men that they shall subdue their eyes (and not stare at the women), and to maintain their chastity. This is purer for them. GOD is fully Cognizant of everything they do. And tell the believing women to subdue their eyes, and maintain their chastity. They shall not reveal any parts of their bodies, except that which is necessary. They shall cover their chests, and shall not relax this code in the presence of other than their husbands, their fathers, the fathers of their husbands, their sons, the sons of their husbands, their brothers, the sons of their brothers, the sons of their sisters, other women, the male servants or employees whose sexual drive has been nullified, or the children who have not reached puberty. They shall not strike their feet when they walk in order to shake and reveal certain details of their bodies. All of you shall repent to GOD, O you believers, that you may succeed.”

~ Qur’an [24:30-31] ~

~ my living grace ~

Teta.. Granny.. Nonoo.. Daddy’s mom.. I don’t think anyone else in this whole wide world has a teta like mine.. I’m going to talk here about one very special remarkable person.. She’s your 80+ old very familiar chubby huggable grandma, who’s an expert in making yummy heavy greasy meals.. The one who always tells you stories about the past.. The one who’s constantly trying to hook everybody up to get them married (& she succeeds ;) ).. The one whom you turn to; trying to know more about who you really are & where you’re coming from.. She tells you about how she raised your dad/mom.. How the days back then were happy & blessed.. But that’s not all.. My teta is so much more than that.. I’m sure no matter what I write, the picture would still remain incomplete.. She was brought up with biracial parents.. Not only were they biracial, more secrets (only hers) to that too.. And this bit of information gives a hint of where she’s coming from.. It’s a big part of who she is.. She’s not typically anything.. She’s just her.. With her mood swinging, creativity, artistic inclinations & expandable knowledge.. And over all, strong deep faith.. A faith that never really seems to pause or gets “put on hold”.. Of course no one can tell how genuine one’s faith is.. No one is required to.. It’s not for us to judge.. By faith I meant (the practiced one I see) the daily practicing as in relying-on & worshiping God.. Prayers are her clock.. Obligatory & nonobligatory.. I love how she prays for all her loved ones (alive & dead) EACH & EVERY night.. Not a day passes by without her reading of God's words.. Lately, I’ve been relating to her a lot.. I don’t really know how, but somehow, I have some of her traits.. And I totally understand her & all her unexpected actions.. She writes quiet often.. Wish she could be able to join the blogging world ;) She writes poems almost on everything & everyone.. I have my own (poem written by her about me) & so does the rest of my family.. She allowed me to share here one of her latest (& one of my favorite) poems.. She wrote it to giddo (may he be in a better & a higher place than the one we’re in now) who passed away years & years ago.. Here goes:

Wow, thinking of her past.. Man, how many people have learned from her (she was a teacher)! WOooHooOW! She’s a very striving woman (in all fields).. Until this very day, with her age & broken ankle! Four years ago, she sewed beautiful dresses, from scratch for me! She still sews things (I really wanna learn how to sew).. I love her love for ice cream :) Whenever we'd go to egypt in the summer, after every meal, she’d take us in the balcony & treat us with ice cream.. I’m not really fond of ice cream (even as a kid, so sue me! I used to have it trying to sense the joy that all other kids experienced when having it, but failed :D ).. She’s so into dairy products.. SO into them! And I think that’s the reason why she never lost any of her teeth :) MashaAllah! I wish I could take from her NEVER giving-in to "today's medicine"! She goes only for natural treatments.. What more can I say? Well, one of my greatest joys of life, is sitting in her house, on her bed & going over real old pictures with her.. That's a real blast for me :) *sigh* I really wish that her wish for me would come true.. She wishes to see my future husband before she dies.. I wish the same (if I live.. lol).. And I wish it; ‘cuz I clearly know that if he doesn’t see her, He won’t see a big part of me!

May The Subtly Kind & Most Loving grant me a warm life with her presence that makes more sense of my today & everyday.. Amen.

~ free as a bird ~

(picture's source)

Am I that desperate to fly? Is it that I’m feeling so heavy that I figured out I can’t? Am I trapped? Well, I can't tell really.. Here’s why I’m wondering.. For MONTHS, I’ve been looking for a fairy’s custom to buy for my li’l amoona.. To be exact, I’ve been looking for a tutu, wings & a pair of ballerina shoes.. At last, my search came to an end last week.. And I found exactly what I wanted.. Thank God :) It was an amazing experience for me (more than her).. I almost flew with her.. Just wonderful.. And then came yesterday.. I spent all afternoon at the beach taking pictures, not of the sea, the shells, the sun, the sand, the sky, or the trees.. But of a flying human soul! My sister’s friend would run run run & then jump high trying to take a tick’s shape.. & right there & then I’d capture the moment.. We did this all the way until sunset.. It was fascinating.. It wiped my headache off.. Oh, my headache.. I’ve never really experienced the severe headaches that people suffer from (especially daddy.. poor him, he REALLY suffers..).. However, since a couple of days, I’ve been having this horrible awful headache that’s been giving me a very hard time.. I can’t describe it really.. You know how you cross your eyebrows? Or like raise them? Anyways, if you do any of this for a while, you get this horrible feeling of a heavy load being placed on your forehead.. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling! As if my eyebrows have been crossed/raised for a year! It started when I went in that cab.. Ok cabs.. I have this thing for cabs.. I HATE getting in a cab.. H A T E .. It’s one of the hardest things for me to do.. My headache can’t be ‘cuz of the cab I HAD to get in, can it? I swear I was very close to fainting.. On another level, I’m extremely against women riding in cabs.. I’ve argued enough about this & I’ve had enough.. It just ain’t right FOR ME.. UNLESS it’s URGENT, or it’s the ONLY WAY.. I don’t believe in women being in cabs with strange men ALONE! It provokes me.. I pity saudi arabia for not letting their women drive.. “It’s ok to go to school with a male driver, but you can’t drive”!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My pity for them is waaaaaaaay beyond my rage.. It’s pa the tic! Talking of double standards! Let’s go back to flying.. Isn’t it just the number one wish on man’s list of dreams? At least that’s my frequent dream.. Anyways.. I pray my headache would get lighter; ‘cuz I’m seriously going out of my mind!

"Wake me up when it's over

Wake me up when it's done

Wake me up when the skies are clearing

When the water is still

'cause I will not watch the ships sail away so

Please say you will

If it were any other day

This wouldn't get the best of me

But today I'm not so strong

So lay me down with a sad song

And when it stops then you know I've been

Gone too long

But don't shake me awake

Don't bend me or I will break

Come find me somewhere between my dreams

With the sun on my face

I will still feel it later on

But for now I'd rather be asleep"

~ Norah Jones lyrics ~

.. to go to heeeaaveeeen :D

Remember Tarek? The cute adorable li'l boy with big faith? Well, he's back to inspire us with one of his GREAT WORKS OF TRUE INSPIRATION :)

Please click here & enjoy :)

YlLaCiTsIlAiReTaM

(picture's source)

The weather is completely inspiring.. The sky full of clouds, the ground continuously fresh & the air gently chilly.. I love this time of the year; it’s so stirring.. I often think to my self: if that’s all I had, would I want more? You know what? I always wanted less.. Not that by less I mean less in value, on the contrary.. I mean less than I have.. Less than I’m granted.. Less than they think I need.. I wish they’d know the distances of silence growing in my heart.. I long to hear my inner echoes.. How so very delusional the colors that they see! If they could only get to reach out & hold their fantasies, they’d find out how fragile, empty & essence-less they are..

Why is it that the more I live, the more I care? I should care less.. I should detach my self a little.. A LOT! I’ve been trying to work on that for quiet some time now.. It’s not working for me!

**PHONECALL**

Merry lost her cell phone & lost her money.. Merry got upset.. She got furious.. And now merry is sad.. Merry is very sad.. What can I ever do to give her some of my inner comforting thoughts? Can anyone ever give anyone any of their very private comforting notions?

I wish I was able to explain my faith out loud.. Wish I would be able to share any of it with the world.. I hold very strong beliefs deeply in my conscious & subconscious minds of my whining heart & my unseen soul..

I thank God for words.. They truly open windows.. Windows & doors..

Come on now, lets go out & enjoy the blessing of feeling & sensing the beauties surrounding us.. I wish you all a sweet autumn & a warmly cold blessed winter :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Any blessing you enjoy is from GOD. Yet, whenever you incur any adversity you immediately complain to Him."

~ Qur'an 16:53 ~

Dear Stary,

(painting's source)

Lonestar where are you out tonight?

This feeling I'm trying to fight

It's dark and I think that I would give anything

For you to shine down on me

How far you are I just don't know

The distance I'm willing to go

I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky

Hoping for some kind of sign

~ Written by Alexander Lee ~

Their pendulum!

(picture's source)

I see people now hanging unto an unstable pendulum & they refuse by all means to get off it.. You tell them: “Get off, it’s just a pendulum, it will fall” & they simply won’t listen & act as if they’re enjoying their ride!

Am I so different? Am I the only one feeling all I’m feeling? Is it just me going through this life’s suffering & feeling its daily misery? Is my patience so stretchy? I thought I was the crazy impatient one?! Thought I was the spoiled brat?!

It’s scary seeing how occupied I am with a lotta things in my heart & mind & how others are so occupied with some other very different things in their subconscious minds!

I know they’re my sisters & brothers, but I just can’t get over the fact that they DO CHOOSE to be the way they are! They pick to be the persons they are.. No one forces them! No one tells them: “Hey, you gotta be as cold hearted as you can.. Just bring out the worst of you..”!

If they could only see the beauties around them.. If they could only pause, think & choose peacefully.. If they could just slow down & get off their pendulum.. If they could only..

"Nightingale

Sing us a song

Of a love that once belonged

Nightingale

Tell me your tale

Was your journey far too long?

Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer

To a question I can't ask

I don't know which way the feather falls

Or if i should blow it to the left

All the voices that are spinnin' around me

Trying to tell me what to say

Can I fly right behind you

And you can take me away"

~ Norah Jones lyrics ~

If ......, chances are?

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If I care all the way & travel far, so far away, chances are?

If I avoid being told & act so cold, chances are?

If I try hard faking it; only to break it, chances are?

If I zip the lip, then want to give a tip, chances are?

If I cry, cry, cry & cry, chances are?

If I smile, grin & laugh out loud, chances are?

If I whine outwardly, then beam internally, chances are?

If my sighs grow & my fears show, chances are?

If I decide to sink & stop to think, chances are?

If I drop the stop; to stop the drop, chances are?

If my every fact is always abstract, chances are?

If I change my name from real to surreal, chances are?

If I straighten my waves & have a different face, chances are?

If I’m bitter & sore & don’t want it no more, chances are?

If I loosen up on my way going up, chances are?

If they tell me no, then ask me to glow, chances are?

If I get ticked off & can’t storm off, chances are?

If I live in denial & fail the trial, chances are?

If they put my heart in a strolling cart, chances are?

If my sweaty palms never ever calm, chances are?

If I never forget my deepest regret, chances are?

If I say no & prefer it raw, chances are?

If I'd rather stay than go the long way, chances are?

If I get hurt while cleaning of the dirt, chances are?

If I flirt & flirt; trying to blurt, chances are?

If all my words are full of blahs, chances are?

If I try my hands in the wrong lands, chances are?

If the sands of time turn into sour lime, chances are?

If they pick me up; only to shut me up, chances are?

** SaNeLy CrAzY **

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Remember when you were young & the soap, somehow, always found its way to your eyes? How long has it been, years? Well, for me it’s definitely been years since that last happened.. But just yesterday & after so many long years, the soup found its way back to my eyes! And all those memories flashed back.. It’s interesting how those ‘nice’ flash backs make you feel.. It’s just this indescribable deeply engraved delight coming back to life.. Just like that pineapple cake that mama makes.. Nothing could smell more warm & cozy..

It was wonderful walking in between those li’l kids who were on their way to school today.. Man, it’s great to have school in the morning! I’m extremely against all those afternoon schools :( .. I’ve always loved mornings.. I’m a very morning person.. I love the sun.. I hate it when the sun leaves.. Hate the night time.. Hate going out at night.. I had my afternoon coffee in the kitchen yesterday during sunset.. I could see the sky through that kitchen’s balcony’s glass door.. The lights in the kitchen were off & those yellowish orange sun rays were so stimulating.. They were fading a second after the other.. And eventually I knew I had to put those fake lights on.. Don’t you just hate the white neon lights? I really do.. I feel so uncomfortable seeing everything through those white lights.. I love yellow lights (not sure if they’re called yellow, but you know, those yellowish, sun-like lights).. That’s one of the things I love about Egypt.. All it’s street lights are lit that way, in ‘yellow’.. However, I was told once, that the colors are seen best through the white neon light.. Anyways, so while sitting in the kitchen, I loved how it was dark where I was & how the sun rays penetrated & broke through the darkness.. Try it.. Try sitting where it’s dark & open a window around sunset.. The sun won’t be too powerful to fully brighten the room & at the same time it won’t be so weak that would bring in the need of fake lights.. It’s a quiet charming experience..

Talking of experience.. Life is all about experiences.. Happy ones.. Successful ones.. Breaking ones.. Inspiring ones.. Humiliating ones.. Honoring ones.. Humbling ones.. And so many others.. And of the most uncommon experiences, come the crazy ones.. I go through those every now & then.. It’s fascinating.. I’m keen on unusual things.. And one of those unordinary things happened to me recently.. Well, here’s how it went.. A week ago, this dude passed by & asked: “Excuse me, do you have any clue where bla bla department is? The receptionist isn't there..” I went like: “Yup, it’s not on this floor, you go to bla bla floor & you’ll find it..”.. Dude: “Thanks!”.. Days passed & this dude came again standing in front of me with a huuuuuuuuuuge smile (you know this smile that you put on trying to say “you know me.. remember me?”).. I looked at him waiting for him to say something.. Dude: “Well, I have bla bla papers & can’t seem to figure out where to go”.. Me (so freaking serious): “Well, you can go to bla bla bla..”.. Dude: “And there’s this other thing” & he paused, I felt like, GOD!! And I waited.. He cleared his throat & said: “Well, I’d like to propose to you!”.. I DIDN’T BELIEVE HE SAID THAT! At that very moment, all I thought of, was how to get him outa my sight & how I could disappear from the face of earth! I blushed (& stayed blushed for like 4 hours I swear!) & found my arms flying up & down (I remember my left hand hitting the desk real bad), my eyes staring at the floor, the chair moving in circles & then I went like “ummmm, well, ummmmm, ummmmm, this is crazy!” & I didn’t even look his direction any more.. I COULDN’T BELIEVE I SAID IT OUT LOUD!! “THIS IS CRAZY?” HOW WORSE CAN I LOOK? WHAT AN EDIOT I WAS! He insisted: “I know, but I really do want to know of any possible way..” God oh God! How crazier can one get? This was one of the craziest sane experiences I’ve ever encountered..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~To all gracious guys out there:

May Allah protect & guide you..

Amen :)

~~~

"Like a gift from the heavens,

it was easy to tell,

It was love from above,

that could save me from hell,

She had fire in her soul it was easy to see,

how the devil himself could be pulled out of me,

Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place

You could tell how we felt from the look on our faces.."

~ Into the night lyrics~

~ The Real Princess story ~

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There's this story that I've loved deeply as a li'l girl & have never forgotten.. Just yesterday, while reading some stories online, I stumbled upon it & couldn't believe my eyes.. It must have been over ten years since I last read it.. I could still remember the day I read it for the first time.. I remember exactly on which sides of the page it started & ended.. I can still hear our loud young voices.. I recall the teacher's smell.. I even remember that book's scent.. I remember reading it at home as well.. Seriously, how do these small things affect a whole person & cause complicated impact on their being? There are these tiny details that truly made me the sara I am.. It's heartbreaking seeing parents overlooking those details & underestimating their effects :(
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THE REAL PRINCESS

There was once a Prince who wished to marry a Princess; but then she must be a real Princess. He travelled all over the world in hopes of finding such a lady; but there was always something wrong. Princesses he found in plenty; but whether they were real Princesses it was impossible for him to decide, for now one thing, now another, seemed to him not quite right about the ladies. At last he returned to his palace quite cast down, because he wished so much to have a real Princess for his wife. One evening a fearful tempest arose, it thundered and lightened, and the rain poured down from the sky in torrents: besides, it was as dark as pitch. All at once there was heard a violent knocking at the door, and the old King, the Prince's father, went out himself to open it. It was a Princess who was standing outside the door. What with the rain and the wind, she was in a sad condition; the water trickled down from her hair, and her clothes clung to her body. She said she was a real Princess. "Ah! we shall soon see that!" thought the old Queen-mother; however, she said not a word of what she was going to do; but went quietly into the bedroom,took all the bed-clothes off the bed, and put three little peas on the bedstead. She then laid twenty mattresses one upon another over the three peas, and put twenty feather beds over the mattresses. Upon this bed the Princess was to pass the night. The next morning she was asked how she had slept. "Oh, very badly indeed!" she replied. "I have scarcely closed my eyes the whole night through. I do not know what was in my bed, but I had something hard under me, and am all over black and blue. It has hurt me so much!" Now it was plain that the lady must be a real Princess, since she had been able to feel the three little peas through the twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds. None but a real Princess could have had such a delicate sense of feeling. The Prince accordingly made her his wife; being now convinced that he had found a real Princess. The three peas were however put into the cabinet of curiosities, where they are still to be seen, provided they are not lost. Wasn't this a lady of real delicacy?

Andersen's Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Andersen

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PS. Do those three peas symbolize anything at all?

'cuz He made the grass :)

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Look at this cute adorable sweet 8 year old boy's faith in God :D

Click here!

*tisk* *tisk* *tisk*

A few days back, I was driving pudding & his two friends to their school; as they were having an iftar party.. When the traffic light went red, I stopped (duhhhh!).. And then I heard giggling & betting

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going on between them li’l guys.. So I looked at the rear mirror & saw them cutely arguing..

Skate boarding expert boy (showing off!): “I swear this is acne, it’s not merely pimples!”
Pudding (jealously!): “No, they’re not! That’s just a rash or something.. I’m sure it’s not acne.. Acne doesn’t look like that..”
Beautiful eyed kid: “I think it is acne..”
Pudding (so proudly): “You guys, look at my facial hair, it’s growing.. Even my arm hair is..”
BEK: “Man, that’s old news, I’ve got all that already..”
SBEB then started checking out his arms..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn’t stop smiling.. And in my head, I was laughing out loud :) Honestly, I didn’t know what to think! Come on boys, you don’t want that.. Trust me.. Ask the big guys & they’ll tell you.. It’s not as it seems.. It’s not so fun.. Nope, not so fun! I'm sure they'd tell you how much they long to go back to their old li'l beds & get tucked in by their parents.. Well well well..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always had this place on one of the walls in each & every one of pudding’s roomS where I’d measure his height every now & then.. He’s dying to get taller.. But of course as we move almost every two years (thanks to mom :( ); that wall changes.. But I still do it for him wherever we go.. Oh God, he feels soooo good when it shows that he’s grown taller.. Man, you should see the joy in his eyes :D

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May you grow taller puddingy & make this world a brighter one.. And take care of your eldest sister & love her & never forget her ;) .. Amen. & carry her if need be ;) Yeah, don't look at me pudding, how many times have I carried you? I deserve this :P That's the least you could do :P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What if I’m dumb in school?
What if they’ve closed the swimming pool?
What if I get beat up?
What is there’s poison in my cup?
What if I start to cry?
What if I get sick and die?
What if I flunk that test?
What if green hair grows on my chest?
What if nobody likes me?
What if a bolt of lightening strikes me?
What if I don’t grow taller?
What if my head starts getting smaller?
What if the fish won’t bite?
What if the wind tears my kite?
What if they start a war?
What if my parents get divorced?
What if the bus is late?
What if my teeth don’t grow straight?
What if I tear my pants?
What if I never learn to dance?"

~ By Shel Silverstein ~

~ au fait ~

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I’m a bit confused.. Confused with this positive feeling that I have towards death & whether it signifies that I have a cold heart or not (they say a cold heart lets it’s holder believe that they’re saints & are so ready.. That’s not how I feel though!).. The grave & going to a different world is undeniably scary, but I’ve always had this inner comfort & relief with me meeting my Lord.. Today, for the first time, I found out that prophet Yusuf ‘alaihy asalam was he first to wish for death.. I WISH FOR DEATH! I’m not saying, I’m purely out of sins & surely have nothing to regret.. No, of course not! All I’m saying is that I really do want to leave this world soon & get closer to The Light of the heavens & the earth..

The thought of writing my will has always been on my mind.. Always wanted to write it & keep it under my pillow.. Wanted to say a lotta things in it.. But I never did.. Why? Well, ‘cuz I’ve always felt that no matter what I write, it won’t be enough.. Or won’t contain everything I have in heart & mind.. (Sadly this has always been the case with everything else I intend to do.. I always know deep down that it won’t turn out as I wanted it to ......)

Well, this world ain’t fair.. People in it are never just enough.. But as I always say God is always Fair.. Why wouldn’t I wish for death? To do more good deeds is one reason.. But what if I wanna repent & die amongst the true submitters? Is it a bad wish? It’s my wish anyhow..

In my sister’s university, there are different bus timings for dropping students off.. There are bus timings for locals & other timings for expatriates! Expats wait until the locals get dropped off first & then the bus goes back to the university to pick them (expats) up.. How can muslims reach this extreme? Extreme of hatred? How worse could our muslim ummah get? I try to make my presence a good one on the face of this earth.. But at a specific moment, you reach a point where you clearly know you don’t belong.. Please don’t get me wrong.. I’m not running away from the evils of this life by saying I wanna die.. WAllahi it’s not like that.. In my happiest, moments I still prefer death..

I love things here.. A lotta of things.. One of the things I love is our red jeep & I’m extremely sad for it having to leave us :( I love hearing my grandpa call my grandma with that sweet nickname.. Wish all husbands could be this tender with their wives.. A lotta of things are enchanting in this dunya.. *sigh* I loved it when I heard that pudding wrote an essay about me in school! He was asked: “describe the worst day that you’ve ever spent”.. He described the day I was operated on; to get my infected appendix cut off..

To conclude, two important questions will be left unanswered:
1. Who will inherit my teddy bear?

2. Did/will I ever win laylatul qadr?

Dashing Prince/Princess?

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UmmAtiyya said:

"So wait...so you mean I can't have the brother who's hafiz with ijaazah in 10 qiraat and fluent in Arabic who has a great beard and ALL his teeth and sparkly eyes and a REAL job that's transferring him to Saudi and is 6ft. tall and only wants one wifey and loves to cook and has never been to prison and has never been married and has a trust fund and a REAL car and wears sunnah clothes and is a sheikh with a dual PhD in Tafsir and Aqeedah with Masters in both child development and Women's Literature and has clean fingernails and makes herbal remedies from his organic garden in his spare time in between running marathons to benefit the soup kitchen he founded the summer he wrote the book on ahklaq when he was 12? You mean I can't have him? I have to settle...for a regular brother? Ok. You know any?"

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Relief said

"Umm Attiya I like your response but wouldn't a man like that expect a women like this Hafizah of Qur'an, teacher, housewife, beyond beautiful, hair to her knees, from a wealthy family, virgin, under 21, doesn't complain, doesn't expect too much, superwomen, cook, clean, fluent in several languages including Arabic of course, not attached to the dunya, a muhmin (more than just a plain ordinary muslim), PHd in education but just wants to homeschool any children she has, never looks unkempt, trained beautician, able to give noteworthy massages, never argumentative, encourage husband towards righteous deeds, etc."

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