wHaT in THe WorLD DiD i Do?!

It’s pretty windy out here.. They say this weather is gloomy, but I say it’s completely inspiring.. The sky is as beautiful as always & endlessly soothing.. The clouds are floating so quickly, making it hard for me to shape them my way.. The sun is mastering the scene with its lovely warmth &

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dancing rays.. The sea looks “light” from where I’m sitting.. Yeah, light.. As in almost colorless.. Maybe ‘cuz that’s how these days taste like? Colorless?! Yeah, “tastes” “colorless”.. That’s how I am.. I see, taste, hear & touch all at once.. Yes, you can call me crazy, ‘cuz I am.. At least that’s what my folks think anyway..

What’s so interesting about being crazy is how you always view things.. To people like myself, things are never the same.. Each moment has its uniqueness.. But the problem occurs when this uniqueness comes in with a negative tone.. It kills me from the inside & lingers on for a while.. I messaged this radio station once telling them that when something disturbs me, I stay disturbed for a while, even if this thing slowly walks away.. Getting over things inside of me is a very hard task.. Positive, negative, whatever they may be.. Being crazy means you are always at your peak.. You’re always hitting the highest points of things..

However, I’ve constantly wondered about how does “normal” generally feels like.. How does it transcend (or does it at all?)? Transcending is such a beautiful difficult sense.. Gravity has always been strong over here; causing any transcendence to be a serious issue.. I wonder how we can ever fight gravity!

Now I carry two things in my head.. In my-soon-to-explode head.. Firstly, how I’m viewed in this beautiful blogging world.. My dearest calls me “the flower of the desert”.. Someone else linked me as “the very sara” & I’ve felt it so very much.. And just today, I was found to be “a nice blog”.. I stopped & wondered.. nice blog.. hmmmm.. this is me.. so im nice? Or my writing is? Or is it all together.. I never really want to be answered.. Just love exploring the different views & words that express them :) Secondly, how grateful I am to baba & mama.. what they’re doing is way too much.. I mean, WAY.. TOO.. MUCH.. I can’t help but think, I don’t deserve all this.. I really don’t.. Thank you.. I love you.. And I’m always yours.. forever :)

Oh & before I go, that radio guy never answered my question.. All I heard was bla bla bla & I messaged back saying it was a bla bla bla & you didn’t REALLY get me.. He never gave a damn..

Nobody does!

Let me rephrase it..

Nobody REALLY does!

~~
“Crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely

I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue

Worry, why do I let myself worry?

Wondering, what in the world did I do?”

~~

~ Norah Jones lyrics ~

~ warm mrs. K. ~

God, I can’t anymore.. Words fail me.. I don’t know how to describe the pain.. It’s so powerful.. It’s beyond me at the moment.. It’s all stronger than me.. I don’t know from where to start or how to describe this.. I can’t fight my tears..

~~

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Bro, if you’re reading this, please try to pull yourself together..

Well, it’s Mrs. K.. Mrs. K is this extremely devoted teacher.. A very warm woman.. She never taught me.. In the school I graduated from she taught.. She taught my brother & touched him in a way that no other teacher did.. When I was in high school, I remember her befriending me & giving me all those girly li’l advises secretly.. She’d always leave me with this peaceful feeling that I hardly felt with anyone else.. After graduation & through my college years, I used to see her in the mosque in Ramadan.. She’d always tell me what a special girl I am & how proud she is of me.. She used to tease her girls around by praising me & wishing they’d be like me someday..

When I myself started teaching, I used to remember her & wonder: “how can she teach all these classes with that warm smile that’s never left her?!”.. I never forgot her.. And after a year & a half, I got an offer to teach in MY OWN SCHOOL.. I met the headmistress in the mosque one night & she needed me to teach there desperately.. When my first teaching day started, I couldn’t believe myself, “how can I sit in the teachers’ room with all those professional teachers (half of them were MY OWN teachers) & correct notebooks & chit chat around them?”.. I was happy & scared.. And I hardly sat in that room.. I couldn’t.. I used to carry my notebooks & books around, of course with the help of my li’l angels & correct them in the staircase..

I taught in that school for only one month.. During that month, Mrs. K. used to call me & ask me to sit with her in that room & whisper all beautiful things to my ears.. A couple of days before leaving MY school, she wrote me this beautiful supplication & asked me to always recite it & keep her in my prayers.. I promised her that & took this li’l paper & stuck it on my bed & I read it every night before sleeping.. Ever since I left the school, she’d send me a message on my cell every now & then & by mistake send it to strangers & tell me how much she hates technology.. I remember once, she was sending me this du’a that she especially wrote for me & by mistake sent it to a man.. He called her & asked her who’s this sara you’re so much in love with.. She told him accept this du’a & pray for me :)

Just today, my friend called me & told me that she’s left this earthly life, after two weeks of testes & shocks of suddenly discovering this sickening cancer that has spread & weakened her whole body.. I hope that brief pain she had wiped off her sins.. And no, I won’t call this a loss.. She’s not a loss.. She’s living in hundreds & hundreds of beating hearts.. Mrs. K. is & will always be in my prayers.. I’ll never forget her hugs.. Her body was petite, but her hugs were very strong squeezes that’d get to your soul & nourish it with strong bright light..

~~

I'm glad that the last image I have of her was that last time I met her in the mosque.. Little did I know that that was the last glimpse.. Last hug.. Last goodbye..

~~

What even made things harder for me today, is that some other sad news were delivered to me.. My friend who's told me about Mrs. K., has a very sick mother.. She’s been suffering from cancer for a number of years now.. And lately, it’s been discovered that it has spread & reached her spinal cord.. This mother is one of the strongest women I’ve ever met.. She’d be in pain & tears would roll down her cheeks without a sound.. But for the past two weeks, the pain has grown so much, to the limit that causes her to scream almost continuously..

Whoever may be reading this, please, please, please do remember these two souls & pray for them & ask Allah to grant them peace.. We never know what might happen to us, or to our beloved ones this very next instant..

How “daniyah” is this “dunya”,

And what a hard test it is to live it..

I might not be here tomorrow..

& never will I want me to fit in it..

say what?

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"Wee wee wee wee wee wee", that’s how my day started.. I opened my eyes this morning to the police cars surrounding my block.. A few minutes later I found out that this construction site near us was roaring with its workers’ screaming.. Why? They want to be heard! They were on a serious strike.. Something ain’t right & I don’t know what that is.. All I do know is that some hams won't do it for them..

I thought to myself, is there anything I could do? And the answer was a definite NO.. So I felt like translating the lyrics to some arabic kinda song (not very much of a song) that I cherish & dedicate it to all my angry mad moros out there..

"If you’re unable to smile,
Don’t tear up & don’t you cry..

& if you’ve got nothing but your heart,
Don’t fear anything, you’ll live & won’t die..

& if you’re asked: “where has your eye’s sparkle gone?”,
Don’t you hide, tell them the flaw isn’t mine, it is the light’s..

And I’m not into darkness, nor did I disappoint the light..

There will be a way for the light to sparkle in my eyes,
& there will be a way for the laugh to come from where it lies,

It won’t harm nor will it hurt.."

~ ha ma saat ~

My sis has been voiceless for the past three days.. I think she has some severe viral infection that has gotten to her vocal cords causing her to lose her voice temporarily.. Last night she showed real bitterness towards this infection & she seemed really miserable for being unable to SPEAK.. I told her to see what she can gain from this experience & to learn how to appreciate more & whine less.. She just said: “I want my voice back”.. I pray you have some patience until you get your voice back my beloved sis :)

I remember when I was younger, I used to hear my grandparents use the word ‘hams’ (i.e. whispering) a lot in their conversations.. That word, along with many others, captivate me with their exquisiteness.. Our generations now rarely use any of our beautiful Arabic words in our day to day talks.. Tamally (i.e. always) is another beautiful word that just came to mind..

Hamasaat (the plural of hams), is such a lovely word.. In both, its sound & meaning.. I rarely find people ihmissing (english present tense of hams ;) ) nowadays, including myself.. I’m a loud person.. I’ve been to schools all through my life that had so many different students coming from different backgrounds all packed in each & every class.. I’ve always found everyone louder than the other.. It’s kind of funny remembering the crazy mix of friends I’ve been having throughout my life :)

Well, I believe being loud originates from the fact of being unheard, being obscure.. From not having the ability to reach out & be listened to.. But being loud can never be a way out of this mess.. No matter how loud you are, if the hearts are closed, you can NEVER be heard.. So looking for a key here & there will be much more practical than screaming at the top of your lungs to the deaf masses..

* Khuzama *

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Well, I’ve been frequenting the horses’ stable for quiet some time now & I’ve found it very soothing being around them.. But there was this very special mare who has taken a piece of my heart.. Khuzama.. Khuzama is this exceptionally clever sweet brown mare.. She’s extremely friendly & has quickly touched my heart.. Every time I come near her, she’d rub the door’s lock with her cheek; asking me to open it for her! She loves getting patted & being hugged more than being fed! She’s also funny.. When she opens her mouth to yawn or whatever; her teeth always give me a giggle :) I love the way she blinks & how I can see myself reflected in her big sparkly black eyes.. I love her fringe.. I simply LOVE HER :)

I love horses.. Thanks to daddy, who has always been keen on instilling the love of animals in my heart.. Daddy, one of the best days of my life was that day when we went around the pyramids on the horses.. I still remember how slow you were on riding that horse.. And I also remember how fast bro & I were.. Daddy, the turtle misses you tremendously, as well as me.. I pray you’ll come back home to us safely.. Amen :)

It’s incredible the fact that we humans posses this enormous amount of strong, profound & mixed feelings.. What’s even more interesting is where those feelings could take us.. And this reminds me of this fascinating piece written by Sam called: The little love switch..

I try to control my actions & not let my feelings drive them.. And let me tell ya, it's a struggle.. I mean, I can't like this nosey security woman.. I can't stand how fake she is.. BUT, I can control our dealings.. I should be less naive & shorten our conversations.. BUT IT'S HARD! She's so sneaky man! God, I ask you to please teach me how to be more in charge of me.. 'Cuz it's hard at times.. I mean, look at Khuzama, if she doesn't like you, she shows it.. Not only that, she knows how to get back at you.. Okay okay, I don't wanna get back at anybody, I just need to learn how to be less naive..

"Prison gates won't open up for me

On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'

Oh, I reach for you

Well I'm terrified of these four walls

These iron bars can't hold my soul in

All I need is you

Come please I'm callin'

And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me

With these broken wings I'm fallin'

And all I see is you

These city walls ain't got no love for me

I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story

And oh I scream for you

Come please I'm callin'

And all I need from you

Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"

~ NICKELBACK LYRICS ~

a big DON'T!

Dear reader,

~~
If you think you’re big enough to go to the post office to mail something, remember to write your addressee’s name & your (sender’s) name & address.. Don’t just write the recipient’s address!!!!!! Things don’t work that way! Capisce?

~~

~~

Spilt milk!

“sara, you won’t believe what happened today.. I’ve been touched by an angel!”

~~

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There are still cute loving innocent 12 year olds living in 2008.. There are still sweet kids living in our world.. For a while, I thought there were no kids anymore & that I’m the only kid left in this world :) But this incident proved me wrong.. Here goes..

~~

Pudding was in his school’s recess & just like me happens to love laban (butter milk).. He was having his laban along with a club sandwich (again like me, loves club sandwiches) & all of a sudden, this other kiddo ran so fast & hit pudding’s arm causing the laban to spill.. That kid never said sorry but only paused & then carried on running.. Now this kiddo isn’t our hero.. The innocent angel I’m gonna talk about is still to come.. So anyway, pudding gave that running kid the look & never said a word.. And there comes our hero.. This other, also 12 year old, angel M came & …… No no, I’m not gonna say.. Guess what he did first? You won’t imagine.. Guess.. Just guess.. No, he didn’t go fight with that other kid.. No he didn’t tell pudding not to worry about it.. Okay okay, I’ll say what angel M did..

Well, angel M came from behind pudding, placed one coupon (they buy meals with coupons in this school) in pudding’s pocket & ran off.. Pudding didn’t grasp what has just happened & said “hey” & then our angel M turned around from a distance & waved with his hands saying no problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pudding didn’t believe it! He asked his classmate if he knows this angel & he said that he knows him ‘cuz he goes with him in the bus everyday.. So pudding gave his friend 5 coupons & told him to give them to angel M & wrote him a thank you note..

Can you believe this?! A 12 year old kid giving away one of his coupons? It’s not a matter of having a billion coupons, being rich or not.. It’s a matter of giving & sharing & caring.. And since when do kids care anyway? All I can say is that inshaAllah, this angel will do something to this world.. And even if he never does, he already did to pudding’s.. And to mine..

~~

I wonder how old is “don’t cry over spilt milk”, how did it start, who was the first person to spill their milk.. I love proverbs.. And I always wonder over how did they start, who started them & so on..

Spur of the moment..

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This horrible thing just happened a few minutes ago.. Horrible thing.. Okay.. I was waiting for the elevator to come & take me to the ground floor.. And as soon as the elevator’s doors opened, I thought there was no one in.. So I rushed in & to my surprise, I found this man, with one really bulging eye that looked so scary.. It was as if it was a plastic eye or something.. It was so frightening to me.. So I froze up, put my hand on my heart & just freaked out.. After I realized my terrible reaction, I HATED MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! So I got in & apologized.. Just said “sorry..”.. He said “sorry for scaring you..”.. I really wanted to cry.. I smiled as he left the elevator & kept a sad face on until now :(

I’m such a mean person :(

And I’m so sorry :(

Very sorry :(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I am the mother of two boys. When my youngest was born with a cleft lip and palate, I went through a period of change. I began to realize that everything I had been conditioned to believe about beauty was wrong. There is so much more to a person than his or her allotment of conventional beauty. There is a whole world of beauty that isn't about symmetry. My message to you? Look deeper. You'll see it in the curl of a smile, the glint of an eye, the outstretched arm of a child to his father. There is Life in Beauty and Beauty in Life." ~ Wynona Robinson

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Clearing their throats!

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That’s what they do when they’re fake, when they delude, when they’re embarrassed, when they’re just not being themselves.. And I don’t really like being around people when they’re like that.. It adds a burden to my chest.. Breathing even gets more difficult.. Around them, I get completely irritated & I become incapable of genuinely smiling..

Well, I do clear my throat, but that’s when it needs to be cleared.. When I don’t feel like myself, I show it.. And I never try covering it.. And I think that’s a good thing.. Please don’t think that I’m a stuck up.. It’s just that, that’s the way I’d like them to be as well.. You’re not comfortable? The place/people are not bringing your self out to its natural shape? Then leave! Change! Move! Just do anything other than suppressing those feelings to the limit that brings them out to your throat!

I’ve been somewhere where I have been suppressing some uncomfortable feelings & sadly can’t do nothing about it, for now.. But inshaAllah it’s a momentary state.. And soon I’ll spread my wings & prepare to fly..

Here are two incidents I’d like to share with you today:

First:

A phone conversation between daddy & I:
Baba: “saroor, guess what?”
Me: “what?”
Baba: “sheikh -------- (very famous certified Muslim scholar bla bla bla) just said on T.V. that: if you’re an Arab & you use another language (other than Arabic) in your daily conversations (with Arabs), without the need to do so (i.e. without the need for using that other language), YOU’RE A HYPOCRITE!”

And after days of having this conversation, I read this lovely comment written by stinger on something that amal wrote, that almost said it all:
hello sister amal (1) alhamdulillah you are very intelligent.(2) all the things you say are haq-ul-ain. (3) you will be granted jannah in return inshallah (4)
(1) I am religious, so i should greet you in a way im uncomfortable with
(2) I am religious so I should praise a fellow muslim
(3) I am religious so i should use arabic terms wherever i can
(4) since you agree to my views, you will go in heaven

LOL :D

Second:

Him (mr. very loud, very rich, very educated & very humble man): “I’m so sorry if I’m being a loud neighbor, please forgive my noisiness.. I’m just trying to get my job done as quickly as possible”

Me (in complete disbelief of this stunning behavior): “no problem whatsoever, please feel free to finish what you’ve started.. I’m sara & it’s nice to meet you :) ”

~ letting go ~

Well, today & after a long time, I've decided to let go; as I learned that letting go is completely unlike forgetting.. I'm letting go.. And I wrote a letter that I think will always remain unread.. Not a wish wish letter.. But a let go one..

~

It really surprises me what my spirit comes up with at times.. Especially when it starts raining!

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As it hardly rains where I live, rain is considered, at least to me, a heavenly given opportunity.. It rained before dawn for a few minutes & I was amazed with the first cry uttered by me!

~~

"Feeling tired

By the fire

The long day is over

The wind is gone

Asleep at dawn

The embers burn on

With no reprise

The sun will rise

The long day is over"

Lyrics to The Long Day Is Over

Invisible things..

(Sheye used the image and the quote on the front of Ava's funeral service booklet.)

~~

My eyes were diagnosed with a vitreous body degeneration a couple of months ago.. Sweet Dr. G told me that it's not an issue really, & has no cure.. Special eye drops are used, but don't really have a strong effect.. This degeneration is basically something like very thin fibers that I see that are located in the vitreous body.. The vitreous body is supposed to be 100% transparent.. But for me, it's not that crystal clear.. My friend cutely said: "that's cool soso, you see things we don't see.." :) It's cute the way she put it down for me.. "I see things you guys don't see.. la la la la la na na na na na.." Literally, if I look up (at the hanging clock, sky etc.) for a while, then switch my eye-sight to a lower level, or look at a side & then switch to another, I see small hairs flying/passing quickly.. It's as if tiny things are floating in my eyes.. Have you ever felt like you are different than the rest of the world & no one ever is like you? That's how I've always felt.. ALWAYS.. Not in a sense of I'm 'better' or 'worse'.. Just different.. Metaphorically, I do see things (no spooky ghosts here, don't you start).. I do feel things.. I do sense all the freaking time.. And it's bad.. It's tiring.. It's exhausting.. People like myself, are constantly frustrated (if there's any).. It's the invisible things that give me the hardest time.. It's the intangible things that truly have the strongest impact on my weak heart.. My very weak heart.. & I can't believe that while baba & mama know of my weak heart's condition, they're still up for leaving me for three weeks.. How dare you guys do this to me?! Thinking of you leaving & going so far away is almost suffocating me.. When you go out for sometime, I feel like a wingless mute humming bird.. I wish I could nap & wake up to find you back here.. Please go & come back as quickly as possible.. I love you two more than me.. Can't stand the thought of you being so far away.. Let's change this subject (that I try to avoid but can't).. Umm.. yeah, the invisible things.. I'd like to thank you Dr. G for figuring out my special abilities ;) And oh, according to my "seeing the invisible" ability, I saw your true genuine care for others the way that they've never did.. And I'd like to thank you on behalf of all those blind careless beings.. You're actually one of the few people that I found to be sincerely caring.. CARING.. CARING.. The lost word in all our dictionaries.. Caring.. I looked it up under the C list, but nothing! I'd like to protest here:

~~

Give us back the right dictionaries,

or you'll have no obituaries..

~~

Who's up for the protest?

~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My very feelings written by someone else.. Here :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* AVA *

Princess Ava

[ One of Ava's Daddy's favourite pictures. He always said it was as if Ava had found a fairy :) ]

`~~

2003
Born in Australia on August 22, 2003.

2007
Passed away on February 05, 2007 at the age of 3.

********

Well, I've always found it hard to grasp the detachment theory.. my tiniest cells aren't really familiar with the concept.. It's just like oil & water.. sara & detachment will never mix.. that's why i think that somehow I understand what Ava's mom is going through.. IT. IS. HARD. PERIOD. Nothing more can be said to describe this.. I write this with all my love to you Sheye & yours.. And I'm sure you'll always carry her heart, with you, in your own heart..

* AVA's Rule *

~ dreaming ~

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"When dreaming I'm guided to another world

``

Time and time again
``

At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
``

'Cuz I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
``

'Cuz there's a hunger, a longing to escape
``

From the life I live when I'm awake
``

So let's go there
``

Let's make our escape
``

Come on, let's go there
``

Let's ask can we stay?
``

Can you take me higher?
``

To the place where blind men see
``

Can you take me higher?
``

To the place with golden streets
``

Although I would like our world to change
``

It helps me to appreciate
``

Those nights and those dreams
``

But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
``

If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
``

The only difference is
``

To let love replace all our hate
``

So let's go there
``

Let's make our escape
``

Come on, let's go there
``

Let's ask can we stay?
``

Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
``

Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
``

And make them mine"



~ By Creed - Higher lyrics ~


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can you really see ME?

When you’re walking down the street, sitting in between strangers, or just buying something from that shop around the corner, don’t you sometimes wonder, how do people see me? What do they feel when I’m around?

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Or what’s the first impression they get when seeing me? Well, I always do.. And it’s sad that the way they see & weigh me, is always based on some very nasty scales.. An example: This Cashier Guy.. Well, I every now & then go to Mr. CG to encash cheques & what not.. And he would ALWAYS give me the cash withOUT placing it in an envelope or at least looking my way! And I would ALWAYS then ask him for an envelope; to put the money in.. He’s actually SUPPOSED to put it for me.. But he never does! The other day, I was going to renew my driver’s license (as it has been expired for months & hopefully I’ll talk about what happened there some other time), and on my way to the car, I saw CG waiting for a cab.. He saw me driving this big fancy car & smiled.. I took off & kept that in mind & knew that I’ll be going to him soon to encash a cheque.. And so I did.. I went with the cheque in my hand & waited in the row & there was my turn.. I stepped & found a big fat smile on his face while actually LOOKING AT ME! He read my name & cared to call it out while handing me the money IN AN ENVELOPE! DO I HAVE TO DRIVE A FANCY CAR TO GET MY MONEY IN AN ENVELOPE?! Is that it?! Is this what people look at? Gosh! What happened to all the living humans out there? Why are they dying & not giving themselves a chance to live? To really live?! I see dead people walking more than the ones alive nowadays! Hope I won’t be another dead person walking down the street, sitting in between strangers or just buying something from that shop around the corner.. I really hope so..

And to CG: It’s really bad to see you!

** tap out your rhythm **

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Working Hard.. Two words that tire you as soon as you hear them.. Working Hard.. People refer to working hard differently.. I loved what Seth Godin wrote on Labor Day..

It’s quite interesting seeing people perform different tasks.. What’s even more exciting, is seeing people do things you can’t do.. Yesterday, I was staring at this construction site through a window & it was fascinating to me seeing what those guys in green uniforms can do! And a few minutes after studying the scene, I was astonished to notice one of the workers standing on top of a few bricks & tapping his feet to some rhythm in his head! I couldn’t believe my eyes! In the midst of this heat, hammering, banging, yelling, sawing & digging he was tapping his feet & hands & enjoying some unheard beats! Way to go brother :)

Last weekend something so weird happened.. After a long shopping day & while sitting in the car on the way back home, I sneezed.. And in that split second of my sneeze, I saw some hand bags hanging.. It was as if I took a picture of one of those shops that I’ve been to & stuck it to my eyelids! That was magnificent!

Talking of magnificence, I wonder how everybody who's up for hajj is feeling.. Do they comprehend the beauty of this blessing they've been granted? Will I ever go for hajj? May Allah accept our efforts & grant us all His mercy.. Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never forget:

Tap out your rhythm world :)

~ hide & seek ~

(picture's source)

I think it's just as hard to hide as it is to seek

But in hiding you hardly get anything but weak..

When you're weak your life gets as cold as ice

And trying to gain it back would be as rolling dice..

Thus, the game of hide and seek has always caused pain

And those who enjoy it will end up with no gain..

Mailbox usage……

Photograph by nissou*

["photograph" is a less description of what this truly is.. This is a unique gift! Go nissou, go nissou, go nissou:) ]

Mailbox usage: 1% of 5 GB…… That’s the message I see when signing in to my online account (that's been registered since: 29 September 2003.. I have 1496 messages so far).. How comforting! It gives you this amazing satisfying feeling that you can still have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than you already have & you won’t have to delete anything you’ve got.. You’re only filling ONE PERCENT of the space you HAVE.. How wonderful! And for a second there, I thought to myself, can this possibly be where I’m standing in life? Like can my “mailbox” be my entire worldly life & my “mailbox usage” be my past? Of course not.. It can’t be that I’ve only lived 1% of my life & 99% is still to come.. It just can’t be.. How many more moments do I have left? And the years that have been gone, are they enough to put me through the big test? Just wondering..

Looking back at my past, I see unfinished stuff that ended without me…… Just without me.. And I also see things that are still hanging with me, while they were supposed to be outdated long back…… I hang on to things firmly..

By the way, why is it that when someone dies, we say they “passed away”? Why not passed on (as in passed on to the next life)? I like it better.. Don’t you? Anyways, I wish death had the only power to make people miss each other.. Distance is one of the other reasonS.. Distances.. *sighs*

I miss you bro.. I wanna thank you for the teddy.. And for that hemisphere thing that contains water along with that tiny yellow duck.. I think it’s been over ten years now.. Right? You were a wee lad back then ;) Oh bro, I miss you.. I’m missing you constantly.. Everything has been reminding me of you lately.. It sometimes seems that the whole world is calling out your name.. Mama says there’s even a bank that has recently launched carrying your name.. So now it’s oils & banks? And Qur’an of course.. Oh, it’s just everywhere.. Brooooooooooooooo, you are everywhere to me.. I pray for you day & night.. I pray to see you soon.. Amen.

Always remember:

“Ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no valley low enough

Ain't no river wide enough

To keep me from getting to you”

Back to my mailbox, I wonder when will it ever be full?

--

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UPDATE: Days from posting this, my mailbox usage changed from:

1% to 2% of 5 GB

hahaha :D

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~ hand in my pocket ~

~ Beautiful work by nissou* ~

Getting real..

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Our days aren’t always as sweet as we hope for them to be.. We all seek beauty, warmth & coziness & make every effort to live them.. But things don’t always turn out to be the way that we want them to.. Umm AbdurRahman wrote something on that, that is so overwhelming.. Here goes: “She had pretty pink toes”..

c o l d f e e t

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She grabbed the pencil & sharpened it thinking it might help her see through the maze that she was thrown in.. She held the pencil carelessly & couldn’t hold it as tight as she used to.. She started scribbling her pain away.. She didn’t believe that those words were said.. She was drowning in disbelief & denial! After writing a couple of words about how she felt, she went like: “can this be a joke? can it?”.. She was so sore.. She was shocked, stunned & the rest of it.. She didn’t even care to cry; ‘cuz she knew that if she did, she won’t be able to ever stop! Hurt & broken were only hints of how she felt.. Her heart was cold.. Her lungs were gasping for air & she didn’t have any power whatsoever left to help them.. The gasping was so loud, that wherever she went, they’d all turn around & stare at her.. She almost didn’t blink; in an attempt not to miss seeing any clear clue as to why this was happening.. How can a few words be this powerful? How can they affect her entire being? How can a stranger have this ability to strike her this strongly? She carried on wondering.. Her fingers started getting numb.. Her wound was so deep; that she knew that no cure would be able to bring her any where near comfort.. She was taught that every illness has its cure.. “Where is my cure?” she screamed.. Her disturbance started getting to her striving soul.. She was scared.. Trembling with fear.. And nobody was able to lend her their hands.. Eventually, she shut her eyes & decided not to see no more, at least through those horrifying moments..

*ALL i HAVE*

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A dear friend of mine has just told someone else that I’m remarkably generous.. I felt good :) Hope its as true as it was said.. My opinion on this, is that being generous isn’t really about HOW MUCH you spend, its about the way you spend it.. It’s not in the quantity.. I feel/see it in the approach.. Like how a person always gives & really truly fully genuinely wants to give, with all means.. To me, this is the best type of generosity I’ve ever experienced.. THIS IS GENEROSITY.. Sadly, I hardly see this type of kindness anywhere.. Its running out.. Or has it always been this way? Like years & years ago, were the kindly giving people all around or hardly existing like nowadays? Its painful for me seeing people so cautious & fearful the way they are.. IT DOES GET TO ME! I can’t tolerate being around those people.. Am I being bad now? I never wait after giving, never wait to be given.. What I hate most is that, even my giving sometimes ISN'T understood! The worst part of this ordeal is that, these matters can NEVER be explained! No matter how much you explain, you can’t teach people or let them experience "giving"! Giving for me is always a pleasure.. I truly enjoy it.. Hope everybody else does :)

"It's all I have to bring today

This, and my heart beside

This, and my heart, and all the fields

And all the meadows wide

Be sure you count - should I forget

Some one the sum could tell

This, and my heart, and all the Bees

Which in the Clover dwell"

By Emily Dickinson

~ chastity ~

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Here’s one thing I wish I could shout out to the world, “world, say cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!”.. There, I said it! People: when your eyes meet with one another, just remember to SAY CHEESE.. It won’t harm you in any way whatsoever.. Trust me, it won’t!

I don’t get it.. When guys see me, they smile.. But when “the ladies” see me, what, they get lazy to do it?! Come on now, what’s that all about? Passing a smile won’t charge you much, will it? Or does it have to be from the other gender for you to smile?!?!?!?!

I also did this li’l experiment to test people’s “thank you”.. And it turns out to be the exact same! Like when a GUY asks me something & I answer, they directly thank me.. But when a lady asks something & I as well answer (even sweeter than the way I answered the guy) she nods & leaves!

Ladieeeeeeeeeeeees? What’s the matter? Is it me? Am I missing something here?

The last time I gave the world a loud cheese was when…… Okay, this was fu nnyyyyyyyyy :D Let me start by asking you this, do you know HOW the freshest products you find at the supermarket get to the very back of the shelves? We all know WHY, but we usually don’t know HOW.. Why? Definitely to let people take the stuff displayed in front of them & finish them off first & keep the recently produced stuff at the back to stay longer (but of course as an arab/egyptian, I do what I saw my parents do.. Which is reach all the way to the baaaaaaaaack of the shelf & grab the furthest item my hand could reach, of course while having that “I’m so smart, I’m smarter than everyone else” look..) ..Well, I constantly thought to myself, how can they always succeed in putting all those fresh goods at the very back? Do they take all the stuff (like milk for instance) off the shelves, put the freshest at the back, then return the least fresh stuff at the front? Well, I found out the answer, but through a terrifying incident :D But of course ended up with one of those big fat cheeses of mine ;) Well, I was at this store heading to the fridge.. I opened it & I was (acting smart, like I learned from my folks) stretching my arm to reach for the last bottle of laban (this salty milk) on the row & all of a sudden.. All of a sudden I see this human being moving right behind the shelves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I freaked out & said “Bismilllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” so loud & jumped back.. Everyone at the store laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughed their lungs out & thought that I just freaked out like that.. So my friend came close & said “what’s wrong?”.. With one hand on my heart & the other pointing to the fridge, she got the shock too.. hahaha.. Then I learned, that those fridges & shelves have a rolling back; as to help the workers loading them, to load them from the back with the freshest stuff.. LOL :)

I love it when I discover li’l big things that people don’t even take the time to notice or wonder about (is it that I’m trying to feel special? am I that desperate? LOL).. And one of those things, is studying that man watering the plants in offices & observing his attitude.. Well, I’ve noticed & studied him for quiet some time now.. I’m sad to mention that he HATES what he’s doing! He hates those plants.. The worst part is, if he never shows up, no one would even notice the plants dying of thirst! I’m so sure of that! So I don’t understand who’s faking things here, companies buying the plants? Or hiring a man to water them? Or the man doing what he hates?All I’m sure of, is that those plants can't be the cause of this fake scene.. No one even looks at those abandoned plants! I’m sure they’d love to be out there, enjoying their “natural” environment.. I wish I could do anything about this.. Wish I could set a meeting to discuss the bitter insensitivity flowing around through fake streams of coldness that’s almost freezing out everything beautiful & real..

One more li’l big thing I notice & extremely despise.. You know how married couples are like at the beginning of their marriage? See that picture at the top, it’s almost how each & every couple starts.. Flowers, gifts & all the so vanilla sweet tones of life.. Shortly comes the “So what? who cares?” attitude.. Now I wanna talk about one small act that proves that.. I noticed that in hospitals (where “serious” stuff occur), parks (where fun is found), beaches or anywhere else, husbands lead the way while walking, carrying almost nothing (none of their belongings like their children’s bags or whatever) & wives at the back with a kid in one hand, a bunch of bags in the other & so forth.. This scene is very common here in the arab world.. It really breaks my heart seeing men thinking that this is “manhood”.. It’s so not.. Let me add one more tiny detail (for muhajabas) if I may.. Well, as now the weather is changing & it’s getting windy, I hate walking in this weather ‘cuz of one reason: clothes I wear find their way to STICK to me.. It’s so uncomfortable walking while your clothes are sticking to you; bringing out your detailed form.. At least for muhajabas.. It just feels bad & embarrassing.. Yet “husbands” on the other hand don’t notice this at all! They carry on leading the way & walking ahead of their wives! (they could simply walk close by behind their wives; as to cover them from the back or whatever).. I wish these tiny things could be explained to all men.. The thing is, it’s hard.. There are things that just can’t be explained.. You have to feel them yourself.. You can’t MAKE people feel them..

I’d like to wrap this up with some breaking news ;) .. Pudding bought this amazingly sweet smelling perfume called chastity.. The name goes with the scent somehow! Just phenomenal! It just smells like dunhill desire.. Don’t ask me how!

“Tell the believing men that they shall subdue their eyes (and not stare at the women), and to maintain their chastity. This is purer for them. GOD is fully Cognizant of everything they do. And tell the believing women to subdue their eyes, and maintain their chastity. They shall not reveal any parts of their bodies, except that which is necessary. They shall cover their chests, and shall not relax this code in the presence of other than their husbands, their fathers, the fathers of their husbands, their sons, the sons of their husbands, their brothers, the sons of their brothers, the sons of their sisters, other women, the male servants or employees whose sexual drive has been nullified, or the children who have not reached puberty. They shall not strike their feet when they walk in order to shake and reveal certain details of their bodies. All of you shall repent to GOD, O you believers, that you may succeed.”

~ Qur’an [24:30-31] ~

~ my living grace ~

Teta.. Granny.. Nonoo.. Daddy’s mom.. I don’t think anyone else in this whole wide world has a teta like mine.. I’m going to talk here about one very special remarkable person.. She’s your 80+ old very familiar chubby huggable grandma, who’s an expert in making yummy heavy greasy meals.. The one who always tells you stories about the past.. The one who’s constantly trying to hook everybody up to get them married (& she succeeds ;) ).. The one whom you turn to; trying to know more about who you really are & where you’re coming from.. She tells you about how she raised your dad/mom.. How the days back then were happy & blessed.. But that’s not all.. My teta is so much more than that.. I’m sure no matter what I write, the picture would still remain incomplete.. She was brought up with biracial parents.. Not only were they biracial, more secrets (only hers) to that too.. And this bit of information gives a hint of where she’s coming from.. It’s a big part of who she is.. She’s not typically anything.. She’s just her.. With her mood swinging, creativity, artistic inclinations & expandable knowledge.. And over all, strong deep faith.. A faith that never really seems to pause or gets “put on hold”.. Of course no one can tell how genuine one’s faith is.. No one is required to.. It’s not for us to judge.. By faith I meant (the practiced one I see) the daily practicing as in relying-on & worshiping God.. Prayers are her clock.. Obligatory & nonobligatory.. I love how she prays for all her loved ones (alive & dead) EACH & EVERY night.. Not a day passes by without her reading of God's words.. Lately, I’ve been relating to her a lot.. I don’t really know how, but somehow, I have some of her traits.. And I totally understand her & all her unexpected actions.. She writes quiet often.. Wish she could be able to join the blogging world ;) She writes poems almost on everything & everyone.. I have my own (poem written by her about me) & so does the rest of my family.. She allowed me to share here one of her latest (& one of my favorite) poems.. She wrote it to giddo (may he be in a better & a higher place than the one we’re in now) who passed away years & years ago.. Here goes:

Wow, thinking of her past.. Man, how many people have learned from her (she was a teacher)! WOooHooOW! She’s a very striving woman (in all fields).. Until this very day, with her age & broken ankle! Four years ago, she sewed beautiful dresses, from scratch for me! She still sews things (I really wanna learn how to sew).. I love her love for ice cream :) Whenever we'd go to egypt in the summer, after every meal, she’d take us in the balcony & treat us with ice cream.. I’m not really fond of ice cream (even as a kid, so sue me! I used to have it trying to sense the joy that all other kids experienced when having it, but failed :D ).. She’s so into dairy products.. SO into them! And I think that’s the reason why she never lost any of her teeth :) MashaAllah! I wish I could take from her NEVER giving-in to "today's medicine"! She goes only for natural treatments.. What more can I say? Well, one of my greatest joys of life, is sitting in her house, on her bed & going over real old pictures with her.. That's a real blast for me :) *sigh* I really wish that her wish for me would come true.. She wishes to see my future husband before she dies.. I wish the same (if I live.. lol).. And I wish it; ‘cuz I clearly know that if he doesn’t see her, He won’t see a big part of me!

May The Subtly Kind & Most Loving grant me a warm life with her presence that makes more sense of my today & everyday.. Amen.

~ free as a bird ~

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Am I that desperate to fly? Is it that I’m feeling so heavy that I figured out I can’t? Am I trapped? Well, I can't tell really.. Here’s why I’m wondering.. For MONTHS, I’ve been looking for a fairy’s custom to buy for my li’l amoona.. To be exact, I’ve been looking for a tutu, wings & a pair of ballerina shoes.. At last, my search came to an end last week.. And I found exactly what I wanted.. Thank God :) It was an amazing experience for me (more than her).. I almost flew with her.. Just wonderful.. And then came yesterday.. I spent all afternoon at the beach taking pictures, not of the sea, the shells, the sun, the sand, the sky, or the trees.. But of a flying human soul! My sister’s friend would run run run & then jump high trying to take a tick’s shape.. & right there & then I’d capture the moment.. We did this all the way until sunset.. It was fascinating.. It wiped my headache off.. Oh, my headache.. I’ve never really experienced the severe headaches that people suffer from (especially daddy.. poor him, he REALLY suffers..).. However, since a couple of days, I’ve been having this horrible awful headache that’s been giving me a very hard time.. I can’t describe it really.. You know how you cross your eyebrows? Or like raise them? Anyways, if you do any of this for a while, you get this horrible feeling of a heavy load being placed on your forehead.. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling! As if my eyebrows have been crossed/raised for a year! It started when I went in that cab.. Ok cabs.. I have this thing for cabs.. I HATE getting in a cab.. H A T E .. It’s one of the hardest things for me to do.. My headache can’t be ‘cuz of the cab I HAD to get in, can it? I swear I was very close to fainting.. On another level, I’m extremely against women riding in cabs.. I’ve argued enough about this & I’ve had enough.. It just ain’t right FOR ME.. UNLESS it’s URGENT, or it’s the ONLY WAY.. I don’t believe in women being in cabs with strange men ALONE! It provokes me.. I pity saudi arabia for not letting their women drive.. “It’s ok to go to school with a male driver, but you can’t drive”!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My pity for them is waaaaaaaay beyond my rage.. It’s pa the tic! Talking of double standards! Let’s go back to flying.. Isn’t it just the number one wish on man’s list of dreams? At least that’s my frequent dream.. Anyways.. I pray my headache would get lighter; ‘cuz I’m seriously going out of my mind!

"Wake me up when it's over

Wake me up when it's done

Wake me up when the skies are clearing

When the water is still

'cause I will not watch the ships sail away so

Please say you will

If it were any other day

This wouldn't get the best of me

But today I'm not so strong

So lay me down with a sad song

And when it stops then you know I've been

Gone too long

But don't shake me awake

Don't bend me or I will break

Come find me somewhere between my dreams

With the sun on my face

I will still feel it later on

But for now I'd rather be asleep"

~ Norah Jones lyrics ~

.. to go to heeeaaveeeen :D

Remember Tarek? The cute adorable li'l boy with big faith? Well, he's back to inspire us with one of his GREAT WORKS OF TRUE INSPIRATION :)

Please click here & enjoy :)

YlLaCiTsIlAiReTaM

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The weather is completely inspiring.. The sky full of clouds, the ground continuously fresh & the air gently chilly.. I love this time of the year; it’s so stirring.. I often think to my self: if that’s all I had, would I want more? You know what? I always wanted less.. Not that by less I mean less in value, on the contrary.. I mean less than I have.. Less than I’m granted.. Less than they think I need.. I wish they’d know the distances of silence growing in my heart.. I long to hear my inner echoes.. How so very delusional the colors that they see! If they could only get to reach out & hold their fantasies, they’d find out how fragile, empty & essence-less they are..

Why is it that the more I live, the more I care? I should care less.. I should detach my self a little.. A LOT! I’ve been trying to work on that for quiet some time now.. It’s not working for me!

**PHONECALL**

Merry lost her cell phone & lost her money.. Merry got upset.. She got furious.. And now merry is sad.. Merry is very sad.. What can I ever do to give her some of my inner comforting thoughts? Can anyone ever give anyone any of their very private comforting notions?

I wish I was able to explain my faith out loud.. Wish I would be able to share any of it with the world.. I hold very strong beliefs deeply in my conscious & subconscious minds of my whining heart & my unseen soul..

I thank God for words.. They truly open windows.. Windows & doors..

Come on now, lets go out & enjoy the blessing of feeling & sensing the beauties surrounding us.. I wish you all a sweet autumn & a warmly cold blessed winter :)

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"Any blessing you enjoy is from GOD. Yet, whenever you incur any adversity you immediately complain to Him."

~ Qur'an 16:53 ~

Dear Stary,

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Lonestar where are you out tonight?

This feeling I'm trying to fight

It's dark and I think that I would give anything

For you to shine down on me

How far you are I just don't know

The distance I'm willing to go

I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky

Hoping for some kind of sign

~ Written by Alexander Lee ~